Agent 1099

In the mid-seventies when Howard was in college BYU was ground zero for recruiting government agents. The campus was filled with bright, clean-cut men with passports, suits and a guilt complex. It was the perfect combination. Mormons like to purport that the CIA and the FBI both recruit from BYU. Wouldn't that be so exciting if it were true.

If you're thinking "Howard as a secret agent, NO WAY?!"

Well, you are mostly correct. Howard's a mild mannered church going guy who wears T-shirts in the swimming pool, keeps pens in his breast pocket and is deathly afraid of being audited by the IRS.

It's the perfect cover really.

The perfect cover if you are, say, a secret undercover IRS agent and have been for 35 years. Why is Howard afraid of an audit? It's simple. His cover would be blown.

Agent 1099, as he's known in the field is responsible for "Operation Pocket Protector."

His mission is to get unassuming relatives, friends and local small business owners to allow him to help with their taxes and then he pays lesser known taxes that even the IRS themselves aren't aware of. This explains why local highly profitable construction companies pay unusually high taxes even when they are friends with the friends of Warren Buffet, and why Howard is so adept at understanding government regulation. This mission balances out the tax cheats and the turbo tax users.

I had my doubts about Howard early on.

The year was 1999...

Chad and I were living in a one bedroom apartment with our hairy child Jack. I was working for a food storage company and Chad was aspiring to be a dentist. Chad hadn't yet grown chest hair and I was going through a sweater phase (think Sandra Bullock 90's Christmas romantic comedies). Every thing we owned was Eddie Bauer because at that time it was cool.

Howard and Janna came to visit as well as family friends Angie and Rick. Rick was aspiring to be a baseball player and he and Chad would play catch together. Which also seemed cool at the time.

Howard offered to do our taxes. He began to do them right their in my living room with family guests. He believed I'd succumb quietly to avoid a scene.

Chad and I were dead broke. Under Howard's keen eye it turned out we actually owed money.

What? How could this be?

Howard said he'd review them again. "Oh, my mistake" he said "you actually owe more than I thought" faking a frown.

Wait a minute, I thought, so I insisted he double check.

And what I am about to tell you is not satire, or exaggeration. He looked up from the paperwork and with a sly smile explained some rule or regulation that required us to actually pay even more than the first time he'd checked and the second time he'd checked. He was enjoying this.

What I did next I'm not proud of. It was awkward for said family friends but he drove me to it. I snapped, yelled, maybe even cried. It was a SCENE.

Then I took my tax forms back. Did them myself on turbo tax and enjoyed a lovely refund.

I've been suspicious ever since.

Years later I repainted his family room. He made a similar SCENE. We are even.

Family life is complicated.

That is why our family chooses to interact only over the internet at Christmas time.

Stay tuned for our Christmas videos!