Nana and Papa's Kitchenless Christmas 2013 Video

Merry Christmas!

Agent 1099

In the mid-seventies when Howard was in college BYU was ground zero for recruiting government agents. The campus was filled with bright, clean-cut men with passports, suits and a guilt complex. It was the perfect combination. Mormons like to purport that the CIA and the FBI both recruit from BYU. Wouldn't that be so exciting if it were true.

If you're thinking "Howard as a secret agent, NO WAY?!"

Well, you are mostly correct. Howard's a mild mannered church going guy who wears T-shirts in the swimming pool, keeps pens in his breast pocket and is deathly afraid of being audited by the IRS.

It's the perfect cover really.

The perfect cover if you are, say, a secret undercover IRS agent and have been for 35 years. Why is Howard afraid of an audit? It's simple. His cover would be blown.

Agent 1099, as he's known in the field is responsible for "Operation Pocket Protector."

His mission is to get unassuming relatives, friends and local small business owners to allow him to help with their taxes and then he pays lesser known taxes that even the IRS themselves aren't aware of. This explains why local highly profitable construction companies pay unusually high taxes even when they are friends with the friends of Warren Buffet, and why Howard is so adept at understanding government regulation. This mission balances out the tax cheats and the turbo tax users.

I had my doubts about Howard early on.

The year was 1999...

Chad and I were living in a one bedroom apartment with our hairy child Jack. I was working for a food storage company and Chad was aspiring to be a dentist. Chad hadn't yet grown chest hair and I was going through a sweater phase (think Sandra Bullock 90's Christmas romantic comedies). Every thing we owned was Eddie Bauer because at that time it was cool.

Howard and Janna came to visit as well as family friends Angie and Rick. Rick was aspiring to be a baseball player and he and Chad would play catch together. Which also seemed cool at the time.

Howard offered to do our taxes. He began to do them right their in my living room with family guests. He believed I'd succumb quietly to avoid a scene.

Chad and I were dead broke. Under Howard's keen eye it turned out we actually owed money.

What? How could this be?

Howard said he'd review them again. "Oh, my mistake" he said "you actually owe more than I thought" faking a frown.

Wait a minute, I thought, so I insisted he double check.

And what I am about to tell you is not satire, or exaggeration. He looked up from the paperwork and with a sly smile explained some rule or regulation that required us to actually pay even more than the first time he'd checked and the second time he'd checked. He was enjoying this.

What I did next I'm not proud of. It was awkward for said family friends but he drove me to it. I snapped, yelled, maybe even cried. It was a SCENE.

Then I took my tax forms back. Did them myself on turbo tax and enjoyed a lovely refund.

I've been suspicious ever since.

Years later I repainted his family room. He made a similar SCENE. We are even.

Family life is complicated.

That is why our family chooses to interact only over the internet at Christmas time.

Stay tuned for our Christmas videos!

Totally Giving Up...

on the concept of Conversion Challenge. It has never worked in the past. We've tried it for four years in a row and it is clear that my parents do not love Ryan or the gospel enough to streak publicly for his salvation. Go figure.

So for the 5 year anniversary of 3SFF we are going the more traditional route.

Harassment

Nobody and I mean nobody knows how to harass/stalk people like Mormons. We have made it an art form. 

Recently I learned that Ryan loves to be on family group chats. He loves it. 

Why not group chat our testimonies?? Could there be anything more spiritually uplifting than endless dings on his cell phone while he's trying to work. 

I am thinking of coordinating testimony ambushes on a regular basis. I can't post the time because he may just accidentally turn his phone off and that would be tragic. So stay in the loop. 

On another note, Fefe is not lost. The enormous popularity of this blog has led to some unwanted attention from the popo's and so Thera and Brad had to resort to drastic measures. Parenting. We've had to postpone anymore "Where in the world..." segments until the heats off. 

In other news we may be expanding Sarah's musings. She's really been the break out star of this season. She had 400 fans reading about her within minutes of it going live Wednesday. Apparently brownie-making organ-playing feminists are really hot right now in Russia. So she'll be picking up some slack while Fefe goes underground. 

Finally we've received many complaints that there hasn't been much coverage of the hacked e-mails. That is because upon reading them we discovered something shocking and we've been working with our legal team to know how to best proceed. 

For now we can tell you this - Yes it turns out Jenni is their favorite child but more importantly Dad is leading a secret life. Mom knows and is disgusted. Brad's just a pawn. As far as we can tell this has been going on for years. 

We plan to release the full details just before Christmas. 

Stay Tuned!

A Mormon Feminist Musing

Frankly, I am frightened of my own power.

I did it. I attended the Stake Priesthood Meeting last Saturday and so much more.

Maybe it was the announcement to my 1123 Facebook friends or my feminist yard signs but the word got out about my plans to attend this important meeting.

On the day of the meeting I received a phone call from a male leader who was making a very serious request. "Sister I heard you might be at the stake center this afternoon, if so, could you bring a plate of brownies?"

You see, the same meeting that a sister may beg entrance to a brother will need a brownie to motivate him into attending. 

So I dropped my platter of brownies off at the church kitchen and agreed to stop by and help serve them following the meeting.

Then I waited in the foyer for my big courageous moment and it sort of happened. 

Brother White-shirt-white-guy came out into the foyer and made a second request of me-

And it wasn't "Sister would you like to attend the priesthood meeting because your just as smart and useful?"

Nor was it "Sister go back to your rightful place in the kitchen with your brownies and your frilly skirts."

But rather- "Sister, do you know how to play the organ?"

And since I do  play the organ along with bake brownies, I went in and did it. 

I played that hymn as slow I could. You see organists are covert feminists. Their mission is to lull to sleep anyone who might not be keen on progress. It's been a very successful movement. 

This is why all hymns are played at half speed and has been the case since the church made a stand against the ERA. 

Somewhere near the end of the fourth verse anyone who is still a Glenn Beck fan had nodded off  so I stuck around for the speakers. 

What did I learn?

It turns out the men need to be nicer to their wives. I made a note of it for Josh. 

And that is how a Sister attended the Priesthood meeting.

Operation Poison The Male Organists...SUCCESS. 

Until She Escapes Again

Before we even had the chance to launch one of our typical well organized Fefe searches she was found. Well, actually she lured Thera to her.

Thera did her usual early Saturday morning Craigslist garage sale search and found this -

Moving Sale Saturday 7am 

All Nike football and basketball gear priced to sell. Trendy girls clothes for that 8 year old in your life. Toddler girls clothing. Can you find the toddler in your life? Super cute baby boy gear. Nike men's golf polos. Can you ever have too many? 

Bright and early this morning Thera and all the women in her blood line climbed in the minivan and headed out. They were mostly assuming to find Fefe and half hoping there really was Nike stuff on sale.

True Love

They say that the longer you are married the more you begin to resemble your spouse. Chad told me once that he loved me enough to wear  matchy outfits  with me. That's true love. Josh's commitment to Sarah, however,  is on a whole new level. 

They are soul-mates!

This picture was taken of Josh while he and Sarah searched a local park for Fefe on Josh's lunch break. They are always trying to keep an eye out for her. Yes, that's right Fefe is missing again. Please let Brad and Thera know. 

Where in the world is ...  Little Fefe?

They Call Him "Babyface"

Brad conducts business everyday out of a small restaurant in town. He keeps business in the family and named all his sons after himself. He knows powerful people and they let him use their cabins. Lawyers aren't fond of him.

The main men at his establishment go by names like-

"The Old Man"

"The Mathematician"

"Reedsy"

& the scariest guy of all

"Junior Lollipops"


Their wives are foxy.


But if you accuse him of being a mob boss. We'll deny it. 

Musings of a Feminist Mormon

Hi All!

It's 5 days and counting till I make my stand at the Stake Center for the 4pm session of Stake Priesthood leadership meeting. Oh girl, am I excited!

Last night for FHE I gave the kids blessings. Just kidding. But I thought about it.

So I told Josh that he should give the kids blessings. You know, their back-to-school father's blessing. So he did. Just kidding. He just thought about it.

I guess equality is alive and well in the church after all.

The women desire to do it but can't and the men are nagged to do it but often get to busy watching Scooby Doo.

And in the end very little gets done.

I've decided that is part of the plan.

Our Heavenly Mother's plan. She's trying to draw this thing out.

While locking myself in the bathroom hiding from the kids while reading FMH on my cell phone and yelling at my kids "Mommy's going potty can't I just have a moment!" I came to this realization:

I realized my Heavenly Mother is at her stage in life when all the kids have gone to school full day. She isn't mentioned or talked about or prayed to because she's busy doing yoga, shopping and finally getting a break from all of us.

You see my thought is she probably was running the show in the preexistence.

She knows that just like any other mother when we all finally come home, it'll be all on her again. Mister Idea Man Husband will retreat to his office to plan other worlds. She'll be meeting the needs, doing the nurturing, cooking the meals, playing the wii with billions of grandchildren and she will love it. You see nobody loves a child as much as mother.

But she also knows when we all come home it will feel like eternity.


Sarah

6 Reasons American Children Should be Learning Geography in Public School

We turned to the public for help finding Fefe and tips just rolled in.

In the end it turns out that even mothers who have no clue where their children are know their children best. Thera guessed closest to her location. Eventually Fefe was located at a local gymnasium just waiting for someone's basketball practice to begin. The emergency ID bracelet Brad & Thera gave her worked wonders with the phrase "just set me on any bleachers in town and eventually my parents will find me." 

Fifi is actually Fefe - Only in our family do we not know how to spell each other's names :)

Not in the church parking lot - She's been there, done that.

Not in her aunt's basement - That's so everyday.

When Fefe got lost she decided to go where she knows her family always eventually ends up. After all it's December.


Where in the world is...

Little Fefe?

"I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery." - Ellen Griswold

When I was growing up I thought I was raised in a conservative household. Here is my evidence: My parents gave Dr. Laura plenty of attention when it was the cool thing to do. My dad never went swimming shirtless, ever (it may be a thing). My mom thought rebellion was wearing the color red. We never got to watch 90210. I was required to wear nylons to church.

But...

Truly by way of religion my parents aren't the fundamentalists I thought they were. My examples: First off, they led me to believe that thousands of years ago dinosaurs roamed the earth. They drank caffeine sodas before anyone realized our religion allowed it. My mother used to have a third piercing. We were encouraged to watch SNL.

So occasionally one of us has a freak out. We are a confused bunch. Frankly it's been a confusing year. Especially for Brad. 

We thought of censoring some of Brad's comments. Of course just the parts about our beloved President. I think a better plan though is to embrace diversity. 

Every time I read the Christmas blog or visit my family for that matter I think to myself:

"If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now." - 

Clark Griswold 

I think that's what makes family great!

Now on to more pressing things. Fifi is missing, again. We know she is staying within city limits because no three-year-old should just walk out of town on her own. That would just be neglectful parenting. 

Where would be the logical place to find her?

Your guess is as good as Thera's. Whoever finds her first gets the prize! More clues to come....

Where in the world is...

Little Fifi

Christmas e-mail hack #1

Quick question

Inbox

x

Howard R.	10:36 AM (35 minutes ago)
to jannaminibombshell@gm

Janna,

I think I might have accidentally worn your pants to work today. Brad says I don't own capris. Do I own capris? 

Howard

Janna R.	10:52 AM (19 minutes ago)
to howardthemustachio@gm

Howard,

No you don't own capris. I'd put some sunscreen on your calves if you leave the office today. 

Janna

P.S.

Thera just called. Have you seen Fifi?

Musings of a Feminist Mormon

Hello everyone-

I wrote this post on Sunday while wearing my Sunday dress shorts and humming hymns only written by Eliza R. Snow. 

I think it was the warm welcome of my new ward, or maybe it was the funny prank the leadership pulled when they called Josh and I to callings, then quickly released us, and then called us again to the same callings, and then quickly released us again, just for fun. Either way since moving to Oregon my liberal heart is full. For the first time in my life it's like I'm wearing sunglasses with both tinted lenses in. 

This year I've read the Exponent, and FMH, and occasionally exposed my shoulders. I was totally on board for wearing pants to church but that would have required going to the dry cleaners. With all of that, however, something is still missing. I feel like I need more. I need ACTIVISM. 

So....

I am planning on standing in line to request entrance to the Saturday Priesthood leadership meeting of  my next Stake Conference in just two weeks. I will live blog the whole experience. I've told Josh that he must be there to capture my tearful courageous moment on video. He's a little annoyed because he was planning on faking a cold to stay home and watch X-Men cartoons with Brody. 

Where has all this exuberance come from? The W.O.L.R at the YMCA. 

What is the W.O.L.R.? 

I'll tell you all about it next week, stay tuned!

Sarah

We are at 5 years of film making history!

We are celebrating the five year anniversary of Three Squares Film Festival and we are as shocked as you are that we made it this far. We are confident here at 3SFF headquarters that this season will be the best season ever! This is because in general the past year has been the strangest ever and therefore we have the best material possible to work with. You can expect some regular features such as -

Brad's Philanthropy Gone Wild!

Where in the world is...Fifi? (This is serious, Thera can't find her anywhere, have you checked the church parking lot?)

Musings from the Mormon Feminist (featuring Sarah, of course)


Conversion Challenge 2013

Janna Tweets - Things she wishes Howard would say


And what I think will be the best treat of all-

Janna and Howard's E-mails Hacked (including everything they are saying about us behind our backs)


Like I said before...THE BEST SEASON EVER!

Happy Anniversary Everyone!