This has been so much fun. Below is all the family videos. Everyone did one which is amazing. I'll be coming back occasionally to post anything funny that happens. If you hear rumors that Howard has backed through the garage door again or that Janna wet her pants at a ward party come hear for the true and accurate details. 3 squares film festival is the TMZ of family reporting.
We are having a 3 squares corporate retreat in Oregon this summer. We will be making decisions for themes for next years festival. All the children have pledged to lure Howard into hilarious and precarious circumstances while we are retreating in the hopes of some juicy posts for all of you. Janna of course is game for anything we ask her to do.
Finally here is some insider info on this years films-
Howard's beard was actually a wool sock pasted to his face with rubber cement.
Janna bought dollar store basketballs for her boobs, Dad liked it.
Sarah did her entire video herself. It was a masterpiece.
Mom cried upon watching Sarah's video.
Chad guessed that Missy had made Ryan wear the scarf in the video. Turns out he was right.
Thera and Brad had always planned to do the Bomber Fight Song even before I posted about it.
Brad watches his video over and over again as he thinks he has amazing skills.
He has also reviewed Bradley and Braden's performance and now has them in two-a-days.
I've been humming the Fight Song ever since.
Chad is still wearing his make-up.
Josh didn't do a darn thing.
This has been my favorite Christmas!
Farewell-
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Painfully Funny
Don't miss out on Ryan's solo near the end. It's Hilarious!
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Love,
Missy, Ryan, Emmalee, Chevy, & Gunner
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Love,
Missy, Ryan, Emmalee, Chevy, & Gunner
Monday, December 21, 2009
Talk About Public Video
Dad and I dutifully decided to do our video tonight. We decided to have our friends come over to help us and film us. Tom and Julie Hoyle, Tom's sister Kay Nelson, and Carolyn and Bruce Jorgensen came to dinner and then stayed for the movie. US!
It of course never occurred to me that this was a great night for people to drop off goodies to our house. We are in the living room taping when Nadell Ransome drops off goodies and stays to watch the video. Then a group of Young Single Adults came over to sing carols to Tom and Julie because they couldn't find them home. They all came in and watched the video performance. Several other people stopped by. It was like grand central station. I feel as if Howard and I are now seasoned actors. We must have performed 4 or 5 times in front of an audience. Bruce is splicing it all together to make the best video and downloading it on to Youtube for us. (We scored on that one.) Anyway we will be remembered throughout the stake I am sure. I think I had the biggest you know what's ever for everyone to see. We should get the most votes. Ours was basically public before it went public.
It of course never occurred to me that this was a great night for people to drop off goodies to our house. We are in the living room taping when Nadell Ransome drops off goodies and stays to watch the video. Then a group of Young Single Adults came over to sing carols to Tom and Julie because they couldn't find them home. They all came in and watched the video performance. Several other people stopped by. It was like grand central station. I feel as if Howard and I are now seasoned actors. We must have performed 4 or 5 times in front of an audience. Bruce is splicing it all together to make the best video and downloading it on to Youtube for us. (We scored on that one.) Anyway we will be remembered throughout the stake I am sure. I think I had the biggest you know what's ever for everyone to see. We should get the most votes. Ours was basically public before it went public.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Impairments
Dad and I just finished a grueling rehearsal. After seeing Jen and Chad's picture on their facebook page we knew we had to redouble our efforts. Of course even though we are paying for the trip to Hawaii it would still be fun to get a million votes.
I was thinking today about our impairments, (Howard's and Mine). Such as:
Howard is parking impaired. No matter how many spaces there are to park, he cannot find a parking place. It is even funnier when there is so much Christmas traffic.
We are lipsincing impaired. We can't seem to just mouth the words. We seem to need to sing outloud. Hence the grueling rehearsal.
We are acting impaired. We want to do our video one way, but when it comes to acting it out we seem to act out just the opposite. We are like dyslectic actors.
We are politeness impaired. We are one of those people at a four way stop that keeps letting people go first. How lame is that.
You get the idea. Despite all of our impairments, eccentricities and weirdness we have actually been very excited about this laughing Christmas gift. We have laughed more, I would say loved more, but that would gross you all out, and we have really looked forward to Dec. 23rd.
We hope you are all enjoying being with your families and just having fun.
Thanks Jen for a wonderfully fun idea. To me it is what Christmas is all about. Sharing.
I was thinking today about our impairments, (Howard's and Mine). Such as:
Howard is parking impaired. No matter how many spaces there are to park, he cannot find a parking place. It is even funnier when there is so much Christmas traffic.
We are lipsincing impaired. We can't seem to just mouth the words. We seem to need to sing outloud. Hence the grueling rehearsal.
We are acting impaired. We want to do our video one way, but when it comes to acting it out we seem to act out just the opposite. We are like dyslectic actors.
We are politeness impaired. We are one of those people at a four way stop that keeps letting people go first. How lame is that.
You get the idea. Despite all of our impairments, eccentricities and weirdness we have actually been very excited about this laughing Christmas gift. We have laughed more, I would say loved more, but that would gross you all out, and we have really looked forward to Dec. 23rd.
We hope you are all enjoying being with your families and just having fun.
Thanks Jen for a wonderfully fun idea. To me it is what Christmas is all about. Sharing.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Shark Infested Waters
Yesterday I was feeding Lucy on our family room couch and playing a game with Sam and David. The game went like this-
The Boys would fall off the couch.
I would wail. "Oh no, Oh no, Sam has fallen into a fiery pit."
"Save him! save him!"
I would then wail, "How will I ever live without him!"
Occasionally it was shark filled waters. They both loved it.
With this final post for at least the next few days I know you are thinking, "How will I ever live with out her?"
I am giving the log-in info to the rest of the family.
Two things will potentially happen.
No one will post - I will have a triumphant return.
Everyone will post - I will have succeeded in my original plan.
It's really a win win for me. But, in case it feels like I have dropped into shark infested waters and you find yourself wailing. Check out another blog I write for www.politicalfruits.com.
It has the same humor as this blog, and yes Sarah I took your advice.
The Boys would fall off the couch.
I would wail. "Oh no, Oh no, Sam has fallen into a fiery pit."
"Save him! save him!"
I would then wail, "How will I ever live without him!"
Occasionally it was shark filled waters. They both loved it.
With this final post for at least the next few days I know you are thinking, "How will I ever live with out her?"
I am giving the log-in info to the rest of the family.
Two things will potentially happen.
No one will post - I will have a triumphant return.
Everyone will post - I will have succeeded in my original plan.
It's really a win win for me. But, in case it feels like I have dropped into shark infested waters and you find yourself wailing. Check out another blog I write for www.politicalfruits.com.
It has the same humor as this blog, and yes Sarah I took your advice.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Rubbing It In
Yesterday I attempted to sign up with Youtube. I filled in the required blanks, double checked, hit sign up and received this response-
"Youtube finds you ineligible."
I felt totally rejected.
I have seen some of the lame videos on that website and yet Youtube doesn't think I am good enough for them.
I tried again with Chad's google info and what-do-ya-know Youtube wants his genius just not mine.
He rubbed it in.
So this is how it works. It's easy. You sign up. Hope for acceptance, and then, download your video. The video can be up to 2gb in size and 10 minutes long. I think we'll be covered. This is how I propose we name them-
Howard & Janna - 3 squares film 2009 1
Josh & Sarah - 3 squares film 2009 2
Jen & Chad - 3 squares film 2009 3
Brad & Thera - 3 squares film 2009 4
Missy & Ryan - 3 squares film 2009 5
This way when millions of Americans are watching my video, yours will also pop up.
And, If I get more hits. I'll rub it in.
While typing this Sam came up to me and said "Mom look how big my belly is, I think there is a baby inside."
"Sam, only girls have babies"
"Then why is my belly so big?"
"You eat a lot."
"So is there a baby in yours or do you just eat a lot too, Mom?"
This is not my week. I should probably do some sit ups.
Chad and I like to play a little game when we get the mail. Before shredding the credit card offers, we rip them open to see who was pre-approved for the most. I almost always win. Which is funny since I don't have an income.
Chad ends up feeling rejected. Probably because I like to rub it in.
I am hoping for offers in the mail today to make up for the Youtube incident.
"Youtube finds you ineligible."
I felt totally rejected.
I have seen some of the lame videos on that website and yet Youtube doesn't think I am good enough for them.
I tried again with Chad's google info and what-do-ya-know Youtube wants his genius just not mine.
He rubbed it in.
So this is how it works. It's easy. You sign up. Hope for acceptance, and then, download your video. The video can be up to 2gb in size and 10 minutes long. I think we'll be covered. This is how I propose we name them-
Howard & Janna - 3 squares film 2009 1
Josh & Sarah - 3 squares film 2009 2
Jen & Chad - 3 squares film 2009 3
Brad & Thera - 3 squares film 2009 4
Missy & Ryan - 3 squares film 2009 5
This way when millions of Americans are watching my video, yours will also pop up.
And, If I get more hits. I'll rub it in.
While typing this Sam came up to me and said "Mom look how big my belly is, I think there is a baby inside."
"Sam, only girls have babies"
"Then why is my belly so big?"
"You eat a lot."
"So is there a baby in yours or do you just eat a lot too, Mom?"
This is not my week. I should probably do some sit ups.
Chad and I like to play a little game when we get the mail. Before shredding the credit card offers, we rip them open to see who was pre-approved for the most. I almost always win. Which is funny since I don't have an income.
Chad ends up feeling rejected. Probably because I like to rub it in.
I am hoping for offers in the mail today to make up for the Youtube incident.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Those Were Good Times
This year has brought our family some really good times but also some really hard times.
I felt fear when mom was diagnosed with cancer again, and, even more fear when Dad seemed nervous.
I felt great sorrow when a dear sweet uncle was also diagnosed with cancer and deeper sorrow when we lost him.
There were surgeries, job losses, and just some hard days.
Thinking of these hard things it's amazing that I could fill more than 3o posts with funny thoughts on our family.
But that is the great thing about a family, as imperfect as the family unit is, there is always plenty of opportunities to just laugh, even if it's at Dad's expense.
I remember when Mom told me about our Uncle. She asked me to think about memories I have of him. All of them made me smile. I realized he and my Aunt and I had a connection. We both were raising or had raised lots of boys and one youngest girl.
I thought of the time the snakes got lost at their house. I laughed because I could see that happening at my house.
When we lived in the Turner street house Josh and I would dress as army men and play. I would take my shirt off, strap Josh's Sunday belt diagonally across my chest to hold my rifle. All I wanted was to be a boy named Howard.
In that same house Josh and I put a toilet out in Dad's garden (a big white bucket buried in the dirt) and pooped there rather than going inside. At this very moment Dad's feeling sick.
I also remember strangling Brad when I was left to babysit him, but being so proud when he did things like ride a bike at three. I thought, what a brilliant little brother I have. Even prouder when he burnt down the neighboring lot and the fire trucks were called. I bragged to my friends about that.
Then we had a baby sister. That was so exciting. All my friends were the youngest in their families and here I was with a mom having a baby. Which made me almost as cool as the kid with the broken leg. We all spent so much time making that baby laugh and loving her.
Last night when my family finished our video I sat and watched and thought-
First, I am a lucky woman because the man I married has some mad skills.
But also, how I will cherish this video forever as it captures a moment with my children when we were just purely having fun.
So when they grow up and drive me crazy. When our family is just as weird as the one I came from, I'll look back on this video and think-
Those were good times.
I felt fear when mom was diagnosed with cancer again, and, even more fear when Dad seemed nervous.
I felt great sorrow when a dear sweet uncle was also diagnosed with cancer and deeper sorrow when we lost him.
There were surgeries, job losses, and just some hard days.
Thinking of these hard things it's amazing that I could fill more than 3o posts with funny thoughts on our family.
But that is the great thing about a family, as imperfect as the family unit is, there is always plenty of opportunities to just laugh, even if it's at Dad's expense.
I remember when Mom told me about our Uncle. She asked me to think about memories I have of him. All of them made me smile. I realized he and my Aunt and I had a connection. We both were raising or had raised lots of boys and one youngest girl.
I thought of the time the snakes got lost at their house. I laughed because I could see that happening at my house.
When we lived in the Turner street house Josh and I would dress as army men and play. I would take my shirt off, strap Josh's Sunday belt diagonally across my chest to hold my rifle. All I wanted was to be a boy named Howard.
In that same house Josh and I put a toilet out in Dad's garden (a big white bucket buried in the dirt) and pooped there rather than going inside. At this very moment Dad's feeling sick.
I also remember strangling Brad when I was left to babysit him, but being so proud when he did things like ride a bike at three. I thought, what a brilliant little brother I have. Even prouder when he burnt down the neighboring lot and the fire trucks were called. I bragged to my friends about that.
Then we had a baby sister. That was so exciting. All my friends were the youngest in their families and here I was with a mom having a baby. Which made me almost as cool as the kid with the broken leg. We all spent so much time making that baby laugh and loving her.
Last night when my family finished our video I sat and watched and thought-
First, I am a lucky woman because the man I married has some mad skills.
But also, how I will cherish this video forever as it captures a moment with my children when we were just purely having fun.
So when they grow up and drive me crazy. When our family is just as weird as the one I came from, I'll look back on this video and think-
Those were good times.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Pandora's Box
On Friday December 18th I will make one final post before the videos go up live on the 23rd. I have decided for a brief period of time to relinquish the username and password to this blog to the film festival contestants.
I will e-mail the necessary info this Friday. From Friday to Tuesday December 22nd all family members will be free to post whatever they wish. Possibly they want to praise me for my amazing blogging talents and incredible ability to bring family unity. Chad is sure they will want to tease him about his dashing good looks sprinkled with comments about our rapid reproduction skills which probably has to do with Chad's dashing good looks.
On Wednesday December 23rd the password will change and I will make my triumphant return with the posting of every one's videos. Sometime this week I will have instructions on how to post the video to Youtube and what to name your video.
Be thinking of fun blog posts!
I will e-mail the necessary info this Friday. From Friday to Tuesday December 22nd all family members will be free to post whatever they wish. Possibly they want to praise me for my amazing blogging talents and incredible ability to bring family unity. Chad is sure they will want to tease him about his dashing good looks sprinkled with comments about our rapid reproduction skills which probably has to do with Chad's dashing good looks.
On Wednesday December 23rd the password will change and I will make my triumphant return with the posting of every one's videos. Sometime this week I will have instructions on how to post the video to Youtube and what to name your video.
Be thinking of fun blog posts!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Rules of Engagement
As Children we followed these rules, they may be helpful in understanding our parents-
If you've wrecked the car-
Refer to Janna.
If you've murdered someone-
Refer to Howard.
If you've scratched the wall-
Refer to Janna.
If you've eloped with someone who looks scary-
Refer to Howard.
If you've downloaded viruses while surfing frivolous websites-
Refer to Janna and she'll have Howard fix it.
If you've shoplifted-
Refer to Howard.
If you've joined a splinter religion that practices witchcraft-
Refer to Howard.
But, it's very important that if you've improperly parked the minivan avoid Howard-
Refer to Janna
If you've wrecked the car-
Refer to Janna.
If you've murdered someone-
Refer to Howard.
If you've scratched the wall-
Refer to Janna.
If you've eloped with someone who looks scary-
Refer to Howard.
If you've downloaded viruses while surfing frivolous websites-
Refer to Janna and she'll have Howard fix it.
If you've shoplifted-
Refer to Howard.
If you've joined a splinter religion that practices witchcraft-
Refer to Howard.
But, it's very important that if you've improperly parked the minivan avoid Howard-
Refer to Janna
Opposites Attract
Janna & Howard are a textbook case of opposites attract. For instance-
Janna's Department -
All things involving social situations, family humor, party planning, gift giving, and grandchildren entertaining.
Howard's Department -
All things involving taxes, spreadsheets, mortgages, future investments, home improvement and automotive.
Janna's Department -
All things involving social situations, family humor, party planning, gift giving, and grandchildren entertaining.
Howard's Department -
All things involving taxes, spreadsheets, mortgages, future investments, home improvement and automotive.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Random Thoughts -
I am a blank tonight. Can't think of anything truly funny to fill an entire post. The following are the random thoughts that have filled my head-
One time Chad and I tried to convince Mom she had to ride in a booster in the car when visiting us because she is so short. She didn't. Wish she had, I could have had a long post out of that.
Has anyone noticed that in all the pictures of Josh and I from our time living in Washington DC we are always posed holding up gang symbols with our fingers. Why?
Also, from that same time in our lives I can only remember eating hot dogs filled with cheese and blueberry muffins from the box. Surely we ate others things. Maybe not?
How many times a month do I call and my parents have complete strangers staying with them?
Many times.
Dad used the same green comb for easily 20 years or more. He may still be using it.
According to Missy mom is folding the towels now like they live in a day spa. Interesting.
Dad wants to write a book about having a love affair with math.
Mom reads craigslist to get a feel for what's going on in the community. Ask her the going price for a used riding lawn mower. I bet she can tell you.
On one of Chad's first visits to my parents house Grandma talked about her flatulence with him at the dinner table. Her husband confirmed it was aweful. Chad kept a straight face.
Tomorrows post will be better I promise. Have a great night everyone!
One time Chad and I tried to convince Mom she had to ride in a booster in the car when visiting us because she is so short. She didn't. Wish she had, I could have had a long post out of that.
Has anyone noticed that in all the pictures of Josh and I from our time living in Washington DC we are always posed holding up gang symbols with our fingers. Why?
Also, from that same time in our lives I can only remember eating hot dogs filled with cheese and blueberry muffins from the box. Surely we ate others things. Maybe not?
How many times a month do I call and my parents have complete strangers staying with them?
Many times.
Dad used the same green comb for easily 20 years or more. He may still be using it.
According to Missy mom is folding the towels now like they live in a day spa. Interesting.
Dad wants to write a book about having a love affair with math.
Mom reads craigslist to get a feel for what's going on in the community. Ask her the going price for a used riding lawn mower. I bet she can tell you.
On one of Chad's first visits to my parents house Grandma talked about her flatulence with him at the dinner table. Her husband confirmed it was aweful. Chad kept a straight face.
Tomorrows post will be better I promise. Have a great night everyone!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Suggest a Song
Josh and Sarah need help. Most their ideas have proven to be a complete bore. This is what happens when one doesn't ever leave college.
Josh only knows the words to the anthems of small African nations and Sarah has forgotten there is life outside of Nick Jr. and therefore seems to only know "Dora, Dora, Dora the explorer!"
We all know they first considered an Osmond song and then moved onto Pete's Dragon as that is Sarah's favorite movie. It's all been a flop.
I thought it would be fun to have all of us suggest a song for them. So picture them in your mind and type the first song you think of.
My suggestion-
Anything by Ray Stevens, for instance-
Love Will Beat Your Brains Out
The Streak - Dedicated to Ryan
The Family Funeral Fight
Deerslayer
and my personal favorite - Osama Yo Mama
Now it's your turn!
Josh only knows the words to the anthems of small African nations and Sarah has forgotten there is life outside of Nick Jr. and therefore seems to only know "Dora, Dora, Dora the explorer!"
We all know they first considered an Osmond song and then moved onto Pete's Dragon as that is Sarah's favorite movie. It's all been a flop.
I thought it would be fun to have all of us suggest a song for them. So picture them in your mind and type the first song you think of.
My suggestion-
Anything by Ray Stevens, for instance-
Love Will Beat Your Brains Out
The Streak - Dedicated to Ryan
The Family Funeral Fight
Deerslayer
and my personal favorite - Osama Yo Mama
Now it's your turn!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The Fingernail, Of Course
Sarah guessed it!
When you've been raised in a place that has a stage that looks like and is called "The Fingernail", you've got no other option than to hold every possible event there. It was also the scene of a tragic family accident, so it only makes sense to return.
Why is there a stage that looks like a fingernail? Radiation exposure likely.
The film festival will be catered. I have chosen KFC in honor of late Grandpa Howard.
The Bell Choir will perform a special musical number, followed by Dad on the accordion.
Missy and I will dust off our jazz boots to perform an interpretive dance to the tune Hakuna Matata with Chad on saxophone.
We will be having a spiritual message along with opening and closing prayers. We don't want Mom to leave feeling guilty.
Josh will only be handing out the programs because when he talks, normal people need wikipedia to understand.
Brad and Thera will most likely be late as they are expected to misplace their video along with their keys.
Ryan will be frisking people as they walk in. It's not necessary but he wants to.
Then if everyone follows through we will finally get to the videos. I can't wait!
First installment of "Weird Things Our Parents Do" -
Then: When we were children we got to watch movies by VCR once every few months. Why? Because my parents went in on the VCR with other couples in the ward (you know who you are) and we only got it a few months out of the year.
Now: Missy e-mailed me to inform us that although Howard specially ordered a Ford Focus with every upgrade Ford makes. He is apparently too cheap to spring for floor mats and has cut carpet cubes for his sweet ride from carpet scraps he was likely storing for no apparent reason.
Which suddenly reminded me of the old minivan which had absolutely zero upgrades, but we still rode around sitting on towels (not occasionally but always) to protect the upholstery.
When you've been raised in a place that has a stage that looks like and is called "The Fingernail", you've got no other option than to hold every possible event there. It was also the scene of a tragic family accident, so it only makes sense to return.
Why is there a stage that looks like a fingernail? Radiation exposure likely.
The film festival will be catered. I have chosen KFC in honor of late Grandpa Howard.
The Bell Choir will perform a special musical number, followed by Dad on the accordion.
Missy and I will dust off our jazz boots to perform an interpretive dance to the tune Hakuna Matata with Chad on saxophone.
We will be having a spiritual message along with opening and closing prayers. We don't want Mom to leave feeling guilty.
Josh will only be handing out the programs because when he talks, normal people need wikipedia to understand.
Brad and Thera will most likely be late as they are expected to misplace their video along with their keys.
Ryan will be frisking people as they walk in. It's not necessary but he wants to.
Then if everyone follows through we will finally get to the videos. I can't wait!
First installment of "Weird Things Our Parents Do" -
Then: When we were children we got to watch movies by VCR once every few months. Why? Because my parents went in on the VCR with other couples in the ward (you know who you are) and we only got it a few months out of the year.
Now: Missy e-mailed me to inform us that although Howard specially ordered a Ford Focus with every upgrade Ford makes. He is apparently too cheap to spring for floor mats and has cut carpet cubes for his sweet ride from carpet scraps he was likely storing for no apparent reason.
Which suddenly reminded me of the old minivan which had absolutely zero upgrades, but we still rode around sitting on towels (not occasionally but always) to protect the upholstery.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Guess The Venue
We are ready to announce the venue for the film festival!! We are making it a game since I know you are all dying for a another prize. I am told that Thera loves her jelly bean dispensing gum ball machine, but still has no idea why we gave it to her. This should be easy but I expect you all to humor me with some funny guesses. Missy is offering as a prize to wax the body part of your choice. Josh we all expect you to guess a lot on this one.
First Clue: It's located in our home town.
PS
We have only 15 days till the festival on Dec. 23rd. Get going!
Coming soon:
Weird Things My Parents Do - Feel free to e-mail me suggestions
Howardism of the Day - Jokes only my Dad would tell
First Clue: It's located in our home town.
PS
We have only 15 days till the festival on Dec. 23rd. Get going!
Coming soon:
Weird Things My Parents Do - Feel free to e-mail me suggestions
Howardism of the Day - Jokes only my Dad would tell
Monday, December 7, 2009
Favorite Things About Mom
My mom is the spice that makes everything fun. She's a straight arrow that can't resist laughing at a dirty joke. These are the memories that may surprise you-
Mom wetting her pants from laughing so hard while jumping on the Gees trampoline. Yes, that's correct my mom went to a fellow ward members house, jumped on their trampoline and laughed so hard she wet her pants.
Mom stopping everything to spend a lazy afternoon with us watching Mariners games on the couch. Dad coming home and cleaning the house.
Mom watching dirty comedies with us as teenagers and asking through gut wrenching laughter "you're sure this is only PG-13", "oh yes mom".
Mom then making sure we got the moral of the story. So much to be learned from Deuce Bigalo.
Mom with a broken ankle playing Wii bowling till the wee hours of the morning determined to better her score. All while balancing on that funny scooter she went everywhere with.
Dad buying Mom her very own Wii to make amends for buying himself a Ford Focus and then putting every upgrade on it known to man. One of their better fights.
Mom's recent conversation with me about her dreams of kayaking the Columbia River.
Mom singing at the top of her lungs while driving the car. Which is much safer than my Dad's approach, sleeping while driving the car.
Mom giving us our birthday presents and Christmas gifts with the tags still on them and days after the actual holiday.
Mom fulfilling her dreams of cashiering a dollar store.
Mom introducing us to uplifting movies and TV shows such as, The Naked Gun, Police Academy, and Saturday Night Live.
Mom wetting her pants from laughing so hard while jumping on the Gees trampoline. Yes, that's correct my mom went to a fellow ward members house, jumped on their trampoline and laughed so hard she wet her pants.
Mom stopping everything to spend a lazy afternoon with us watching Mariners games on the couch. Dad coming home and cleaning the house.
Mom watching dirty comedies with us as teenagers and asking through gut wrenching laughter "you're sure this is only PG-13", "oh yes mom".
Mom then making sure we got the moral of the story. So much to be learned from Deuce Bigalo.
Mom with a broken ankle playing Wii bowling till the wee hours of the morning determined to better her score. All while balancing on that funny scooter she went everywhere with.
Dad buying Mom her very own Wii to make amends for buying himself a Ford Focus and then putting every upgrade on it known to man. One of their better fights.
Mom's recent conversation with me about her dreams of kayaking the Columbia River.
Mom singing at the top of her lungs while driving the car. Which is much safer than my Dad's approach, sleeping while driving the car.
Mom giving us our birthday presents and Christmas gifts with the tags still on them and days after the actual holiday.
Mom fulfilling her dreams of cashiering a dollar store.
Mom introducing us to uplifting movies and TV shows such as, The Naked Gun, Police Academy, and Saturday Night Live.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Blog Intervention
I love my parents and for this reason I can longer stand idle while their lives spin wildly out of control. Each year has gotten worse and I fear that this Christmas season may be the point they both hit rock bottom. I feel many of my readers are responsible as they have aided and abetted this addiction for far too long. As hard as this is to write it's time for a blog intervention-
My parents are serial ward Christmas party crashers.
Last year alone they hit 7 parties.
And now that my father is a high councilman he has access to several stake calendars.
Janna does it for the rush but Howard does it for the orange jello and the centerpieces.
I have been told that each ward in the tri-stake area will have their pictures posted at party entrances but Howard has a sophisticated game plan this year.
They come under the guise of "golden opportunity investigators", "new move-ins", "new converts", "lost and senile", "the special music number" and "Mr. and Mrs. Claus".
One year they came as "health inspectors". Howard took it too far and busted the women working in the kitchen, hence, the no cooking/warm only rules in all ward buildings.
We thought this year would be better as Janna had joined a 12 step addiction program. Howard refuses because he says and I quote "I'm a full tithe payer it's within my rights".
Sources confirm Janna has fallen of the wagon. We are asking all ward activity committees to up their security at their party. Beware that they may even infiltrate committee meetings in an attempt to plot escape routes and influence the canned fruit selection for this years jello.
Security cameras at Sweater Barn in Pasco confirm that a dark haired man in glasses wearing a heavily starched shirt and khaki's recently purchased 22 ugly Christmas sweaters.
We fear that the Bonnie & Clyde Christmas Party Bandits are looking to set a record this year with 11 total parties.
Should you suspect that your party has been compromised, it is very important that you not approach them without first contacting authorities, as Howard is very unpredictable and Janna has terrible bladder control, a technique she has used in the past as a distraction.
You've been warned.
My parents are serial ward Christmas party crashers.
Last year alone they hit 7 parties.
And now that my father is a high councilman he has access to several stake calendars.
Janna does it for the rush but Howard does it for the orange jello and the centerpieces.
I have been told that each ward in the tri-stake area will have their pictures posted at party entrances but Howard has a sophisticated game plan this year.
They come under the guise of "golden opportunity investigators", "new move-ins", "new converts", "lost and senile", "the special music number" and "Mr. and Mrs. Claus".
One year they came as "health inspectors". Howard took it too far and busted the women working in the kitchen, hence, the no cooking/warm only rules in all ward buildings.
We thought this year would be better as Janna had joined a 12 step addiction program. Howard refuses because he says and I quote "I'm a full tithe payer it's within my rights".
Sources confirm Janna has fallen of the wagon. We are asking all ward activity committees to up their security at their party. Beware that they may even infiltrate committee meetings in an attempt to plot escape routes and influence the canned fruit selection for this years jello.
Security cameras at Sweater Barn in Pasco confirm that a dark haired man in glasses wearing a heavily starched shirt and khaki's recently purchased 22 ugly Christmas sweaters.
We fear that the Bonnie & Clyde Christmas Party Bandits are looking to set a record this year with 11 total parties.
Should you suspect that your party has been compromised, it is very important that you not approach them without first contacting authorities, as Howard is very unpredictable and Janna has terrible bladder control, a technique she has used in the past as a distraction.
You've been warned.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Happy Birthday Thera!!
I am not completely sure if Thera is older than Brad. Much like a sleazy cable show, I find myself slightly exaggerating things to keep you coming back for more. It works of course because here you are reading this.
I wanted to pay special tribute to Thera, because, she like the other in-laws chose this. Josh, myself, Brad & Missy are in many ways victims of circumstance. Thera, however, knew what she was getting into and yet still married Brad.
Each in-law brings something new and needed to the family. We all agree that only Thera could put up with Brad and for that and so many other things we love her. Some of Thera's great contributions to the family have been Greek food, public nursing, and Opinions-
The Greek food speaks for itself, without her blazing the way in my parents family room the rest of us would be nursing our babies in the back bedroom (for Howard's sake of course), and the opinions, well they have been a much needed service.
Thera has a way to honestly tell it straight and it only makes everyone love her more. If that couch just has to go, or the casserole tastes horrible, if that haircut is definitely not a winner, or you've got spinach in your teeth, Thera will tell you, and we're all better for it.
I would pay a tribute to Sarah and Ryan, but, I am my mother's daughter and therefore haven't a clue when their birthdays are (more about that in the wierd things my parents do post). I only knew Thera's because my mother thought Chad's birthday was actually Thera's, Thera's vice versa, and I had to straighten her out.
Our family and Brad for that matter is better because he married Thera. So Happy Birthday to You!
I wanted to pay special tribute to Thera, because, she like the other in-laws chose this. Josh, myself, Brad & Missy are in many ways victims of circumstance. Thera, however, knew what she was getting into and yet still married Brad.
Each in-law brings something new and needed to the family. We all agree that only Thera could put up with Brad and for that and so many other things we love her. Some of Thera's great contributions to the family have been Greek food, public nursing, and Opinions-
The Greek food speaks for itself, without her blazing the way in my parents family room the rest of us would be nursing our babies in the back bedroom (for Howard's sake of course), and the opinions, well they have been a much needed service.
Thera has a way to honestly tell it straight and it only makes everyone love her more. If that couch just has to go, or the casserole tastes horrible, if that haircut is definitely not a winner, or you've got spinach in your teeth, Thera will tell you, and we're all better for it.
I would pay a tribute to Sarah and Ryan, but, I am my mother's daughter and therefore haven't a clue when their birthdays are (more about that in the wierd things my parents do post). I only knew Thera's because my mother thought Chad's birthday was actually Thera's, Thera's vice versa, and I had to straighten her out.
Our family and Brad for that matter is better because he married Thera. So Happy Birthday to You!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Favorite Memories of Dad
The truth about my Dad is I can't remember a time when he wasn't faithful and committed to all things that are good. While everyone knows that about him these are the memories that might surprise you-
Dad swearing at us when he tutored us in math.
Dad backing straight through the garage door in the mini-van.
Dad falling asleep while driving us on all our family vacations and mom gently nudging him awake. "Howard your asleep".
Dad renting James Bond movies when mom would be out of town and feeding us nothing but licorice for dinner.
Dad fighting in court over our traffic tickets as if we were actually innocent.
Dad swearing at the apposing team at Brad's football games. Mom not wanting to sit by Dad anymore.
Dad cheering for the apposing team at my elementary school basketball games. The difference between my game and Brad's. Brad was good.
Coming soon-
A special birthday tribute to Thera the Cougar
Favorite Memories of Janna
Weird things my parents have done over the years
Dad swearing at us when he tutored us in math.
Dad backing straight through the garage door in the mini-van.
Dad falling asleep while driving us on all our family vacations and mom gently nudging him awake. "Howard your asleep".
Dad renting James Bond movies when mom would be out of town and feeding us nothing but licorice for dinner.
Dad fighting in court over our traffic tickets as if we were actually innocent.
Dad swearing at the apposing team at Brad's football games. Mom not wanting to sit by Dad anymore.
Dad cheering for the apposing team at my elementary school basketball games. The difference between my game and Brad's. Brad was good.
Coming soon-
A special birthday tribute to Thera the Cougar
Favorite Memories of Janna
Weird things my parents have done over the years
It Takes A Village, People
It is still a very closely guarded secret as to what the Phoenix family will be performing. Auditions for lead singer took place last night for family home evening. Yes, last night was Wednesday but the two previous nights the children were put down early to spare their lives. Between the sea salting of the armpits, the stamping of the bums, the occasional black eye, a neighborhood streaking incident involving David, and when "wasn't me" hung on the towel rack like monkey bars and ripped it clean out of the wall, the best place for them was out of their mother's sight. Chad believes the bad behavior may be a result of Jen being preoccupied with some blog. Whatever.
Let it be known, Phoenix has been practicing for weeks. The auditions were simply necessary because with so much brilliance there wasn't a clear lead singer. We have concluded the following from FHE last night:
Jake believes all bands jump and land in the splits at the end of every song.
So does Chad.
He pulled something last night.
Man he's getting old.
Mason just realized that YouTube is world wide and that everyone in his school could potentially see his video.
"Not cool mom!"
"Stop with the splits Dad!"
Chad wasn't deterred.
Let it be known, Phoenix has been practicing for weeks. The auditions were simply necessary because with so much brilliance there wasn't a clear lead singer. We have concluded the following from FHE last night:
Jake believes all bands jump and land in the splits at the end of every song.
So does Chad.
He pulled something last night.
Man he's getting old.
Mason just realized that YouTube is world wide and that everyone in his school could potentially see his video.
"Not cool mom!"
"Stop with the splits Dad!"
Chad wasn't deterred.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Belated Announcement!
As promoter of the 3 squares film festival I created this website to drive people to vote for the music video that best suited my parents. It's ironic that in all the excitement I forgot to announce the winner. I prepared a list of excuses-
1. Brad was victim of domestic abuse this weekend and I have been worried sick.
2. I spent precious blogging time last night on the phone with my father discussing his bodily functions. Which according to him are working well.
3. Ryan's holding hostages in his garage, which caused me to wikipedia the Patriot Act.
4. My staffers (David & Sam) got into some craft stamps and stamped each others faces and then each others bums. After a lengthy bath it appears that the ink is permanent.
5. I learned in the wikipedia research I did that "Patriot Act" is actually an acronym. I then spent too much time coming up with my own acronyms. Here goes-
Just
About to sing in the
Nude
No one is surprised
Assumes Ryan was serious
or
He#@ bent
On
Wearing
Almost nothing
Really working out
Doesn't want to disappoint!
Here comes "Islands in the Stream"!!!!
1. Brad was victim of domestic abuse this weekend and I have been worried sick.
2. I spent precious blogging time last night on the phone with my father discussing his bodily functions. Which according to him are working well.
3. Ryan's holding hostages in his garage, which caused me to wikipedia the Patriot Act.
4. My staffers (David & Sam) got into some craft stamps and stamped each others faces and then each others bums. After a lengthy bath it appears that the ink is permanent.
5. I learned in the wikipedia research I did that "Patriot Act" is actually an acronym. I then spent too much time coming up with my own acronyms. Here goes-
Just
About to sing in the
Nude
No one is surprised
Assumes Ryan was serious
or
He#@ bent
On
Wearing
Almost nothing
Really working out
Doesn't want to disappoint!
Here comes "Islands in the Stream"!!!!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Pyramids & Building Inspectors
It was the beginning of the Summer when I first approached Ryan to handle the security for this event. He recognized the challenges immediately. His exact quote was "Sarah's a loose cannon we'll have the terrorists after us before we know it."
This is when he started constructing what he refers to as "little Gitmo". A place where he could intimidate the enemy and restrain them while retracting valuable information from them to aide his security team in the fight against terrorism. His cover was this, just an average guy that tinkers with old cars. No one would suspect it.
Our cover was almost blown one morning early in August, when an unsuspecting building inspector stumbled upon our "shop" actually a highly technical torture chamber. Ryan wanted to handle him "dirty harry style" but I feared the man might end up at the bottom of the Columbia River. We enlisted Howard to take care of this.
There is another side to Howard that many do not know. He gets a thrill out of attempting to beat the system. Unsuspecting traffic cops have been no match for him in a court of law. We all owe our freedom to him.
If you are a neighbor of Missy's and wonder why you are hearing slow dripping water and Britney Spears music coming from their garage, it's just Ryan washing the car. Or is it. There aren't any Osmonds posed in a pyramid, at the moment.
This is when he started constructing what he refers to as "little Gitmo". A place where he could intimidate the enemy and restrain them while retracting valuable information from them to aide his security team in the fight against terrorism. His cover was this, just an average guy that tinkers with old cars. No one would suspect it.
Our cover was almost blown one morning early in August, when an unsuspecting building inspector stumbled upon our "shop" actually a highly technical torture chamber. Ryan wanted to handle him "dirty harry style" but I feared the man might end up at the bottom of the Columbia River. We enlisted Howard to take care of this.
There is another side to Howard that many do not know. He gets a thrill out of attempting to beat the system. Unsuspecting traffic cops have been no match for him in a court of law. We all owe our freedom to him.
If you are a neighbor of Missy's and wonder why you are hearing slow dripping water and Britney Spears music coming from their garage, it's just Ryan washing the car. Or is it. There aren't any Osmonds posed in a pyramid, at the moment.
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