Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
Agent 1099
In the mid-seventies when Howard was in college BYU was ground zero for recruiting government agents. The campus was filled with bright, clean-cut men with passports, suits and a guilt complex. It was the perfect combination. Mormons like to purport that the CIA and the FBI both recruit from BYU. Wouldn't that be so exciting if it were true.
If you're thinking "Howard as a secret agent, NO WAY?!"
Well, you are mostly correct. Howard's a mild mannered church going guy who wears T-shirts in the swimming pool, keeps pens in his breast pocket and is deathly afraid of being audited by the IRS.
It's the perfect cover really.
The perfect cover if you are, say, a secret undercover IRS agent and have been for 35 years. Why is Howard afraid of an audit? It's simple. His cover would be blown.
Agent 1099, as he's known in the field is responsible for "Operation Pocket Protector."
His mission is to get unassuming relatives, friends and local small business owners to allow him to help with their taxes and then he pays lesser known taxes that even the IRS themselves aren't aware of. This explains why local highly profitable construction companies pay unusually high taxes even when they are friends with the friends of Warren Buffet, and why Howard is so adept at understanding government regulation. This mission balances out the tax cheats and the turbo tax users.
I had my doubts about Howard early on.
The year was 1999...
Chad and I were living in a one bedroom apartment with our hairy child Jack. I was working for a food storage company and Chad was aspiring to be a dentist. Chad hadn't yet grown chest hair and I was going through a sweater phase (think Sandra Bullock 90's Christmas romantic comedies). Every thing we owned was Eddie Bauer because at that time it was cool.
Howard and Janna came to visit as well as family friends Angie and Rick. Rick was aspiring to be a baseball player and he and Chad would play catch together. Which also seemed cool at the time.
Howard offered to do our taxes. He began to do them right their in my living room with family guests. He believed I'd succumb quietly to avoid a scene.
Chad and I were dead broke. Under Howard's keen eye it turned out we actually owed money.
What? How could this be?
Howard said he'd review them again. "Oh, my mistake" he said "you actually owe more than I thought" faking a frown.
Wait a minute, I thought, so I insisted he double check.
And what I am about to tell you is not satire, or exaggeration. He looked up from the paperwork and with a sly smile explained some rule or regulation that required us to actually pay even more than the first time he'd checked and the second time he'd checked. He was enjoying this.
What I did next I'm not proud of. It was awkward for said family friends but he drove me to it. I snapped, yelled, maybe even cried. It was a SCENE.
Then I took my tax forms back. Did them myself on turbo tax and enjoyed a lovely refund.
I've been suspicious ever since.
Years later I repainted his family room. He made a similar SCENE. We are even.
Family life is complicated.
That is why our family chooses to interact only over the internet at Christmas time.
Stay tuned for our Christmas videos!
If you're thinking "Howard as a secret agent, NO WAY?!"
Well, you are mostly correct. Howard's a mild mannered church going guy who wears T-shirts in the swimming pool, keeps pens in his breast pocket and is deathly afraid of being audited by the IRS.
It's the perfect cover really.
The perfect cover if you are, say, a secret undercover IRS agent and have been for 35 years. Why is Howard afraid of an audit? It's simple. His cover would be blown.
Agent 1099, as he's known in the field is responsible for "Operation Pocket Protector."
His mission is to get unassuming relatives, friends and local small business owners to allow him to help with their taxes and then he pays lesser known taxes that even the IRS themselves aren't aware of. This explains why local highly profitable construction companies pay unusually high taxes even when they are friends with the friends of Warren Buffet, and why Howard is so adept at understanding government regulation. This mission balances out the tax cheats and the turbo tax users.
I had my doubts about Howard early on.
The year was 1999...
Chad and I were living in a one bedroom apartment with our hairy child Jack. I was working for a food storage company and Chad was aspiring to be a dentist. Chad hadn't yet grown chest hair and I was going through a sweater phase (think Sandra Bullock 90's Christmas romantic comedies). Every thing we owned was Eddie Bauer because at that time it was cool.
Howard and Janna came to visit as well as family friends Angie and Rick. Rick was aspiring to be a baseball player and he and Chad would play catch together. Which also seemed cool at the time.
Howard offered to do our taxes. He began to do them right their in my living room with family guests. He believed I'd succumb quietly to avoid a scene.
Chad and I were dead broke. Under Howard's keen eye it turned out we actually owed money.
What? How could this be?
Howard said he'd review them again. "Oh, my mistake" he said "you actually owe more than I thought" faking a frown.
Wait a minute, I thought, so I insisted he double check.
And what I am about to tell you is not satire, or exaggeration. He looked up from the paperwork and with a sly smile explained some rule or regulation that required us to actually pay even more than the first time he'd checked and the second time he'd checked. He was enjoying this.
What I did next I'm not proud of. It was awkward for said family friends but he drove me to it. I snapped, yelled, maybe even cried. It was a SCENE.
Then I took my tax forms back. Did them myself on turbo tax and enjoyed a lovely refund.
I've been suspicious ever since.
Years later I repainted his family room. He made a similar SCENE. We are even.
Family life is complicated.
That is why our family chooses to interact only over the internet at Christmas time.
Stay tuned for our Christmas videos!
Friday, December 20, 2013
Totally Giving Up...
on the concept of Conversion Challenge. It has never worked in the past. We've tried it for four years in a row and it is clear that my parents do not love Ryan or the gospel enough to streak publicly for his salvation. Go figure.
So for the 5 year anniversary of 3SFF we are going the more traditional route.
So for the 5 year anniversary of 3SFF we are going the more traditional route.
Harassment
Nobody and I mean nobody knows how to harass/stalk people like Mormons. We have made it an art form.
Recently I learned that Ryan loves to be on family group chats. He loves it.
Why not group chat our testimonies?? Could there be anything more spiritually uplifting than endless dings on his cell phone while he's trying to work.
I am thinking of coordinating testimony ambushes on a regular basis. I can't post the time because he may just accidentally turn his phone off and that would be tragic. So stay in the loop.
On another note, Fefe is not lost. The enormous popularity of this blog has led to some unwanted attention from the popo's and so Thera and Brad had to resort to drastic measures. Parenting. We've had to postpone anymore "Where in the world..." segments until the heats off.
In other news we may be expanding Sarah's musings. She's really been the break out star of this season. She had 400 fans reading about her within minutes of it going live Wednesday. Apparently brownie-making organ-playing feminists are really hot right now in Russia. So she'll be picking up some slack while Fefe goes underground.
Finally we've received many complaints that there hasn't been much coverage of the hacked e-mails. That is because upon reading them we discovered something shocking and we've been working with our legal team to know how to best proceed.
For now we can tell you this - Yes it turns out Jenni is their favorite child but more importantly Dad is leading a secret life. Mom knows and is disgusted. Brad's just a pawn. As far as we can tell this has been going on for years.
We plan to release the full details just before Christmas.
Stay Tuned!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
A Mormon Feminist Musing
Frankly, I am frightened of my own power.
I did it. I attended the Stake Priesthood Meeting last Saturday and so much more.
Maybe it was the announcement to my 1123 Facebook friends or my feminist yard signs but the word got out about my plans to attend this important meeting.
I did it. I attended the Stake Priesthood Meeting last Saturday and so much more.
Maybe it was the announcement to my 1123 Facebook friends or my feminist yard signs but the word got out about my plans to attend this important meeting.
On the day of the meeting I received a phone call from a male leader who was making a very serious request. "Sister I heard you might be at the stake center this afternoon, if so, could you bring a plate of brownies?"
You see, the same meeting that a sister may beg entrance to a brother will need a brownie to motivate him into attending.
So I dropped my platter of brownies off at the church kitchen and agreed to stop by and help serve them following the meeting.
Then I waited in the foyer for my big courageous moment and it sort of happened.
Brother White-shirt-white-guy came out into the foyer and made a second request of me-
And it wasn't "Sister would you like to attend the priesthood meeting because your just as smart and useful?"
Nor was it "Sister go back to your rightful place in the kitchen with your brownies and your frilly skirts."
But rather- "Sister, do you know how to play the organ?"
And since I do play the organ along with bake brownies, I went in and did it.
I played that hymn as slow I could. You see organists are covert feminists. Their mission is to lull to sleep anyone who might not be keen on progress. It's been a very successful movement.
This is why all hymns are played at half speed and has been the case since the church made a stand against the ERA.
Somewhere near the end of the fourth verse anyone who is still a Glenn Beck fan had nodded off so I stuck around for the speakers.
What did I learn?
It turns out the men need to be nicer to their wives. I made a note of it for Josh.
And that is how a Sister attended the Priesthood meeting.
Operation Poison The Male Organists...SUCCESS.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Until She Escapes Again
Before we even had the chance to launch one of our typical well organized Fefe searches she was found. Well, actually she lured Thera to her.
Thera did her usual early Saturday morning Craigslist garage sale search and found this -
Moving Sale Saturday 7am
All Nike football and basketball gear priced to sell. Trendy girls clothes for that 8 year old in your life. Toddler girls clothing. Can you find the toddler in your life? Super cute baby boy gear. Nike men's golf polos. Can you ever have too many?
Bright and early this morning Thera and all the women in her blood line climbed in the minivan and headed out. They were mostly assuming to find Fefe and half hoping there really was Nike stuff on sale.
Thera did her usual early Saturday morning Craigslist garage sale search and found this -
Moving Sale Saturday 7am
All Nike football and basketball gear priced to sell. Trendy girls clothes for that 8 year old in your life. Toddler girls clothing. Can you find the toddler in your life? Super cute baby boy gear. Nike men's golf polos. Can you ever have too many?
Bright and early this morning Thera and all the women in her blood line climbed in the minivan and headed out. They were mostly assuming to find Fefe and half hoping there really was Nike stuff on sale.
Friday, December 13, 2013
True Love
They say that the longer you are married the more you begin to resemble your spouse. Chad told me once that he loved me enough to wear matchy outfits with me. That's true love. Josh's commitment to Sarah, however, is on a whole new level.
They are soul-mates!
This picture was taken of Josh while he and Sarah searched a local park for Fefe on Josh's lunch break. They are always trying to keep an eye out for her. Yes, that's right Fefe is missing again. Please let Brad and Thera know.
Where in the world is ... Little Fefe?
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
They Call Him "Babyface"
Brad conducts business everyday out of a small restaurant in town. He keeps business in the family and named all his sons after himself. He knows powerful people and they let him use their cabins. Lawyers aren't fond of him.
The main men at his establishment go by names like-
"The Old Man"
"The Mathematician"
"Reedsy"
& the scariest guy of all
"Junior Lollipops"
Their wives are foxy.
But if you accuse him of being a mob boss. We'll deny it.
The main men at his establishment go by names like-
"The Old Man"
"The Mathematician"
"Reedsy"
& the scariest guy of all
"Junior Lollipops"
Their wives are foxy.
But if you accuse him of being a mob boss. We'll deny it.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Musings of a Feminist Mormon
Hi All!
It's 5 days and counting till I make my stand at the Stake Center for the 4pm session of Stake Priesthood leadership meeting. Oh girl, am I excited!
Last night for FHE I gave the kids blessings. Just kidding. But I thought about it.
So I told Josh that he should give the kids blessings. You know, their back-to-school father's blessing. So he did. Just kidding. He just thought about it.
I guess equality is alive and well in the church after all.
The women desire to do it but can't and the men are nagged to do it but often get to busy watching Scooby Doo.
And in the end very little gets done.
I've decided that is part of the plan.
Our Heavenly Mother's plan. She's trying to draw this thing out.
While locking myself in the bathroom hiding from the kids while reading FMH on my cell phone and yelling at my kids "Mommy's going potty can't I just have a moment!" I came to this realization:
I realized my Heavenly Mother is at her stage in life when all the kids have gone to school full day. She isn't mentioned or talked about or prayed to because she's busy doing yoga, shopping and finally getting a break from all of us.
You see my thought is she probably was running the show in the preexistence.
She knows that just like any other mother when we all finally come home, it'll be all on her again. Mister Idea Man Husband will retreat to his office to plan other worlds. She'll be meeting the needs, doing the nurturing, cooking the meals, playing the wii with billions of grandchildren and she will love it. You see nobody loves a child as much as mother.
But she also knows when we all come home it will feel like eternity.
Sarah
It's 5 days and counting till I make my stand at the Stake Center for the 4pm session of Stake Priesthood leadership meeting. Oh girl, am I excited!
Last night for FHE I gave the kids blessings. Just kidding. But I thought about it.
So I told Josh that he should give the kids blessings. You know, their back-to-school father's blessing. So he did. Just kidding. He just thought about it.
I guess equality is alive and well in the church after all.
The women desire to do it but can't and the men are nagged to do it but often get to busy watching Scooby Doo.
And in the end very little gets done.
I've decided that is part of the plan.
Our Heavenly Mother's plan. She's trying to draw this thing out.
While locking myself in the bathroom hiding from the kids while reading FMH on my cell phone and yelling at my kids "Mommy's going potty can't I just have a moment!" I came to this realization:
I realized my Heavenly Mother is at her stage in life when all the kids have gone to school full day. She isn't mentioned or talked about or prayed to because she's busy doing yoga, shopping and finally getting a break from all of us.
You see my thought is she probably was running the show in the preexistence.
She knows that just like any other mother when we all finally come home, it'll be all on her again. Mister Idea Man Husband will retreat to his office to plan other worlds. She'll be meeting the needs, doing the nurturing, cooking the meals, playing the wii with billions of grandchildren and she will love it. You see nobody loves a child as much as mother.
But she also knows when we all come home it will feel like eternity.
Sarah
Friday, December 6, 2013
6 Reasons American Children Should be Learning Geography in Public School
In the end it turns out that even mothers who have no clue where their children are know their children best. Thera guessed closest to her location. Eventually Fefe was located at a local gymnasium just waiting for someone's basketball practice to begin. The emergency ID bracelet Brad & Thera gave her worked wonders with the phrase "just set me on any bleachers in town and eventually my parents will find me."
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Fifi is actually Fefe - Only in our family do we not know how to spell each other's names :)
Not in the church parking lot - She's been there, done that.
Not in her aunt's basement - That's so everyday.
When Fefe got lost she decided to go where she knows her family always eventually ends up. After all it's December.
Where in the world is...
Not in her aunt's basement - That's so everyday.
When Fefe got lost she decided to go where she knows her family always eventually ends up. After all it's December.
Where in the world is...
Little Fefe?
"I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery." - Ellen Griswold
When I was growing up I thought I was raised in a conservative household. Here is my evidence: My parents gave Dr. Laura plenty of attention when it was the cool thing to do. My dad never went swimming shirtless, ever (it may be a thing). My mom thought rebellion was wearing the color red. We never got to watch 90210. I was required to wear nylons to church.
Now on to more pressing things. Fifi is missing, again. We know she is staying within city limits because no three-year-old should just walk out of town on her own. That would just be neglectful parenting.
But...
Truly by way of religion my parents aren't the fundamentalists I thought they were. My examples: First off, they led me to believe that thousands of years ago dinosaurs roamed the earth. They drank caffeine sodas before anyone realized our religion allowed it. My mother used to have a third piercing. We were encouraged to watch SNL.
So occasionally one of us has a freak out. We are a confused bunch. Frankly it's been a confusing year. Especially for Brad.
We thought of censoring some of Brad's comments. Of course just the parts about our beloved President. I think a better plan though is to embrace diversity.
Every time I read the Christmas blog or visit my family for that matter I think to myself:
"If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now." -
Clark Griswold
I think that's what makes family great!
Where would be the logical place to find her?
Your guess is as good as Thera's. Whoever finds her first gets the prize! More clues to come....
Where in the world is...
Little Fifi
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Christmas e-mail hack #1
Quick question
Inbox
x
Inbox
10:36 AM (35 minutes ago)
 | | |||
Janna,
I think I might have accidentally worn your pants to work today. Brad says I don't own capris. Do I own capris?
Howard
10:52 AM (19 minutes ago)
| | |||
Howard,
No you don't own capris. I'd put some sunscreen on your calves if you leave the office today.
Janna
P.S.
Thera just called. Have you seen Fifi?
Monday, December 2, 2013
Musings of a Feminist Mormon
Hello everyone-
I wrote this post on Sunday while wearing my Sunday dress shorts and humming hymns only written by Eliza R. Snow.
I think it was the warm welcome of my new ward, or maybe it was the funny prank the leadership pulled when they called Josh and I to callings, then quickly released us, and then called us again to the same callings, and then quickly released us again, just for fun. Either way since moving to Oregon my liberal heart is full. For the first time in my life it's like I'm wearing sunglasses with both tinted lenses in.
This year I've read the Exponent, and FMH, and occasionally exposed my shoulders. I was totally on board for wearing pants to church but that would have required going to the dry cleaners. With all of that, however, something is still missing. I feel like I need more. I need ACTIVISM.
So....
I am planning on standing in line to request entrance to the Saturday Priesthood leadership meeting of my next Stake Conference in just two weeks. I will live blog the whole experience. I've told Josh that he must be there to capture my tearful courageous moment on video. He's a little annoyed because he was planning on faking a cold to stay home and watch X-Men cartoons with Brody.
Where has all this exuberance come from? The W.O.L.R at the YMCA.
What is the W.O.L.R.?
I'll tell you all about it next week, stay tuned!
Sarah
Sunday, December 1, 2013
We are at 5 years of film making history!
We are celebrating the five year anniversary of Three Squares Film Festival and we are as shocked as you are that we made it this far. We are confident here at 3SFF headquarters that this season will be the best season ever! This is because in general the past year has been the strangest ever and therefore we have the best material possible to work with. You can expect some regular features such as -
Brad's Philanthropy Gone Wild!
Where in the world is...Fifi? (This is serious, Thera can't find her anywhere, have you checked the church parking lot?)
Musings from the Mormon Feminist (featuring Sarah, of course)
Conversion Challenge 2013
Janna Tweets - Things she wishes Howard would say
And what I think will be the best treat of all-
Janna and Howard's E-mails Hacked (including everything they are saying about us behind our backs)
Like I said before...THE BEST SEASON EVER!
Brad's Philanthropy Gone Wild!
Where in the world is...Fifi? (This is serious, Thera can't find her anywhere, have you checked the church parking lot?)
Musings from the Mormon Feminist (featuring Sarah, of course)
Conversion Challenge 2013
Janna Tweets - Things she wishes Howard would say
And what I think will be the best treat of all-
Janna and Howard's E-mails Hacked (including everything they are saying about us behind our backs)
Like I said before...THE BEST SEASON EVER!
Happy Anniversary Everyone!
Monday, December 24, 2012
By popular demand...
Application to be Adopted into the Rew Family
(or any of its
Subsidiaries)
In an effort to ensure lasting compatibility and a
continuing feeling of belonging, each individual wishing to be adopted into the
Rew Family (or any of its subsidiaries) must certify that they meet or exceed
the following dozen qualifications:
1. Having an IQ of not more than two digits,
which when added together, sum no greater than 13, unless you’ve spent at least
30 years of your life in school working on a PhD.
2. Having an unsurgically enhance height of not
more than 5’ – 6” (female) or 5’ – 3” (male).
4. Having an international renown for complex mathematical
equations along with a disdain for all forms of simple counting.
5. Having a nauseating preoccupation for safety
over fun, productivity, enlightenment, or personal bonding.
6. Having a mastery of the words of the Bible
and a proclivity for their use in totally inappropriate situations.
7. Having an aptitude for finding the best place
to park in an empty parking lot.
8. Having a keen sense of direction when the choices
are limited to up and down.
9. Having a talent for discovering and
rediscovering new and unexpected places, while valuing the journey more than
the destination.
10. Having a preference for investing large sums of
money into your kids because, unlike the stock market, you know where the
adorable ROIs live.
11. Having an overwhelming desire to pick up the
Tab at all family dinners out, unless they have Dr. Pepper.
12. Having an uncanny ability to find your way
through the complicated streets of a foreign city all the while the Garmin is
saying, “recalculating.”
13. Having the clout to choose the family movie and
being able to sleep through it.
In addition to meeting or exceeding these qualifications,
the applicant must submit, along with a signed and notarized copy (not the
original) of the application, the sum of $50 to Papanz and Nananz Rew. We’ve hired staff to process the
applications. We’re hoping to see NaDell’s
soon.
Conversion Challenge 2012
The results are in!!!
Thank you to everyone who voted. Especially our readers in Indonesia and China who clogged the phone lines and crashed the website in their attempt to have their vote count.
Drum roll.....
Ryan has agreed to be baptized in 2013 if Howard will yodel all of his speaking as loud as he can for the entire three hour block of his ward for the next Sunday. That means any conducting, meetings, hallway conversations all in the form of a pleasant loud yodel.
Seems pretty reasonable, in years past nudity was involved, but this year just the sweet sounds of Howard's "yodel le he hoo" and Ryan says he's in.
Or....If the missionaries will give him an iPad.
Either way.
Thank you to everyone who voted. Especially our readers in Indonesia and China who clogged the phone lines and crashed the website in their attempt to have their vote count.
Drum roll.....
Ryan has agreed to be baptized in 2013 if Howard will yodel all of his speaking as loud as he can for the entire three hour block of his ward for the next Sunday. That means any conducting, meetings, hallway conversations all in the form of a pleasant loud yodel.
Seems pretty reasonable, in years past nudity was involved, but this year just the sweet sounds of Howard's "yodel le he hoo" and Ryan says he's in.
Or....If the missionaries will give him an iPad.
Either way.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Mad-Lib Monday Night on Thursday moved to Friday Morning!
Some people may not be aware that in his spare time Howard runs a nonprofit moving company. He's traveled up and down the country, back and forth across the country and up the coast. He's transported everything from couches to minivans. What does it take to have your application accepted for a philanthropic move?
Many of the following conditions must apply-
1. If your move doesn't work out you'll probably wind up living in his basement (ironically a lot of people wind up living in his basement so this can't be a sole criteria).
2. If the job your moving for weren't to work out then your plan b is some type of business he may just need to invest in.
3. Your considering going for something more than a PHD.
4. You like convincing Janna to repaint rooms in her house. Reason enough to keep you out of the basement.
Anyone who has had the privilege of meeting much of the above criteria, which sadly seems to be 50% of Howard's gene pool, knows that Howard is very skilled at driving a big rig. He can turn a Budget truck in a tiny cheap motel parking lot on a dime. The truth is, what can't Howard do?
Janna will tell you-
Many of the following conditions must apply-
1. If your move doesn't work out you'll probably wind up living in his basement (ironically a lot of people wind up living in his basement so this can't be a sole criteria).
2. If the job your moving for weren't to work out then your plan b is some type of business he may just need to invest in.
3. Your considering going for something more than a PHD.
4. You like convincing Janna to repaint rooms in her house. Reason enough to keep you out of the basement.
Anyone who has had the privilege of meeting much of the above criteria, which sadly seems to be 50% of Howard's gene pool, knows that Howard is very skilled at driving a big rig. He can turn a Budget truck in a tiny cheap motel parking lot on a dime. The truth is, what can't Howard do?
Janna will tell you-
Drive in town
And that is the subject of today's Mad-Lib
Are you sitting in the passenger seat of a substantially upgraded luxury vehicle such as a Ford Focus? Are you trying to get to the bank but have ended up at the city dump? Does the driver of your vehicle seem to occaisionally fall asleep or at best be incoherent? Maybe you are running errands with Howard.
It's not Howard's fault. It's really the problem of government regulations. Some liberal at the DMV led us all to believe we should be aware that we are driving when we are driving.
What is worse than driving to the post office with Howard but ending up at Badger Mountain? Driving through towns in a vehicle with Howard and Josh.
What do you do if you find yourself in the frightening scenario of being sent to the Home Depot with Howard and your scared of ending up in Memphis?
Point your driver towards a Sonic. Howards are always able to find a Sonic. Order him his usual (Sonic will know what your talking about) and watch him perk right up. Then ask him to take you to Ace Hardware and with a little luck you might just wind up at the Home Depot.
For Conversion Challenge 2012 we are going to have a vote. Stay tuned for your options. And don't forget to tune in Monday night for FILM FESTIVAL 2012.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Darn it!
Janna guessed it. Howard was kidnapped while on location in Brazil. We are hoping for his safe return. I also was hoping that his location wouldn't be guessed too soon because I had a hilarious idea for a clue involving Missy and waxing. Oh well.
Tomorrow we'll have Mad-lib Monday night on Thursday and some hints about conversion challenge 2012.
See you then!
Tomorrow we'll have Mad-lib Monday night on Thursday and some hints about conversion challenge 2012.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Where in the World is...
Howard???
OK everyone, Howard is tired of beautiful beaches and summer fun. Someone come rescue him fast. The end of the world is approaching and Janna doesn't want her last days to be lonely ones.
Make your best guess. Howard's promising an accordion lesson to the winner!
Good luck!
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Where in the World.....
Did the blog go?
The staffers have been swamped in film production all weekend. Sometimes with all the excitement that goes on around here we forget that the main purpose is to put together a film.
This year was unique because three of the 3SFF locations came together for an epic production. It was like filming The Hobbit 3SFF style. There was a huge cast and a lengthy script. What came together was movie brilliance. And, like with any major movie production the ending left an opening for a sequel. We are expecting box office records.
But....also like with any production we had our divas. Some of the actors had lengthy riders. Ok, lets be honest, it was mainly Brad and Thera. Since they were such an integral part of production we were forced to accommodate them, something the family is all too familiar with.
Here was their list of demands-
1. They will only sleep in a full bed. Preferably lopsided.
2. They must be woken up by a baby a minimum of 3 times between 2am and 8am. Every night.
3. They only eat the green skittles and the green MnM's. Hmmm.
4. They wanted at least one pointless trip into the city.
5. They insisted on bringing their own apple juice, something about imported.
6. They requested snow.
7. They required that Nana text them regularly with updates on the Christmas blog.
I am happy to report that Brad and Thera and their entourage arrived early on Friday with apple juice in tow. We had Luisa sort out all the green skittles and mnm's for them. We took them into to the city for what we claimed would be a magical evening and then just turned right around and came home. Brady was put to the task of waking them hourly, and, we must say that staffer is an over achiever. Unlike Nana, Brad raved about the lopsided Deseret Industries mattress. Then, right before filming, it snowed.
Josh and Sarah had to travel such a long way that we didn't see them until late Friday. They then left late Saturday and we believe they are still traveling now. We put an APB out for them at every Indian restaurant from Beaverton to Salem. They are making their way through the state one chicken curry at a time.
Josh put everything he had into his performance Saturday. It was full of emotion. It was raw. We are expecting an Oscar nod.
All of the Salem staffers make an appearance in the film. Sarah made her directing debut and functioned as the producer.
This year their will only be Three films. Howard and Janna's PG-13 comedy they are producing for their grandchildren currently called "Quotations from the Bible", Missy and Ryan's film which is under wraps, they work alone, and also the massive Oregon production of what has been labeled "Hobbit NW".
Why the Hobbit? Fourteen of the main actors are under five feet tall and Josh is in the lead role.
It was magical!
The staffers have been swamped in film production all weekend. Sometimes with all the excitement that goes on around here we forget that the main purpose is to put together a film.
This year was unique because three of the 3SFF locations came together for an epic production. It was like filming The Hobbit 3SFF style. There was a huge cast and a lengthy script. What came together was movie brilliance. And, like with any major movie production the ending left an opening for a sequel. We are expecting box office records.
But....also like with any production we had our divas. Some of the actors had lengthy riders. Ok, lets be honest, it was mainly Brad and Thera. Since they were such an integral part of production we were forced to accommodate them, something the family is all too familiar with.
Here was their list of demands-
1. They will only sleep in a full bed. Preferably lopsided.
2. They must be woken up by a baby a minimum of 3 times between 2am and 8am. Every night.
3. They only eat the green skittles and the green MnM's. Hmmm.
4. They wanted at least one pointless trip into the city.
5. They insisted on bringing their own apple juice, something about imported.
6. They requested snow.
7. They required that Nana text them regularly with updates on the Christmas blog.
I am happy to report that Brad and Thera and their entourage arrived early on Friday with apple juice in tow. We had Luisa sort out all the green skittles and mnm's for them. We took them into to the city for what we claimed would be a magical evening and then just turned right around and came home. Brady was put to the task of waking them hourly, and, we must say that staffer is an over achiever. Unlike Nana, Brad raved about the lopsided Deseret Industries mattress. Then, right before filming, it snowed.
Josh and Sarah had to travel such a long way that we didn't see them until late Friday. They then left late Saturday and we believe they are still traveling now. We put an APB out for them at every Indian restaurant from Beaverton to Salem. They are making their way through the state one chicken curry at a time.
Josh put everything he had into his performance Saturday. It was full of emotion. It was raw. We are expecting an Oscar nod.
All of the Salem staffers make an appearance in the film. Sarah made her directing debut and functioned as the producer.
This year their will only be Three films. Howard and Janna's PG-13 comedy they are producing for their grandchildren currently called "Quotations from the Bible", Missy and Ryan's film which is under wraps, they work alone, and also the massive Oregon production of what has been labeled "Hobbit NW".
Why the Hobbit? Fourteen of the main actors are under five feet tall and Josh is in the lead role.
It was magical!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Potty Language
3SFF has secured some pretty high profile sponsors this year. With readership at an all time high and with China and Ukraine checking in daily everyone in the flushing industry wants a piece of the action. Typically the toilet business is a family business and there has been some concern with the language floating around on this blog. 3SFF wants to assure it's reader that there is nothing said on the blog that isn't biblical. Honestly the rise in "potty language" is most likely tied to Janna and Howard's daily reading of the New Testament.
Our pitch to the kings of the 3-PLY was this-
If you want family friendly and edgy at the same time, than you are going to want to stick to the blog that ONLY uses "potty language". Because what goes better than a little bit potty and a little bit 3-ply.
They took the bait. There will be a big announcement soon! We've got sponsors! It's the big time now. Howard may start letting us use 4 squares! If it's the right brand.
Also, abiding with family tradition we want to wish a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to both Thera and Chad. In our family we always make a point to recognize and celebrate birthdays late, if at all. We also never get the age right-
So happy 27th to Thera and 45th to Chad!
Our pitch to the kings of the 3-PLY was this-
If you want family friendly and edgy at the same time, than you are going to want to stick to the blog that ONLY uses "potty language". Because what goes better than a little bit potty and a little bit 3-ply.
They took the bait. There will be a big announcement soon! We've got sponsors! It's the big time now. Howard may start letting us use 4 squares! If it's the right brand.
Also, abiding with family tradition we want to wish a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to both Thera and Chad. In our family we always make a point to recognize and celebrate birthdays late, if at all. We also never get the age right-
So happy 27th to Thera and 45th to Chad!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Having Trouble Falling Asleep?
Welcome to Mad-Lib Monday Night!
The theme we chose at 3SFF Beaverton for this first MLMN has to do with falling asleep when traveling. Something Janna & Howard never struggle with when they travel to see their children. Why? Because we put them up in luxury.
When they come to stay at 3SFF Beaverton we put them in a room with a bed we affectionately call the "Mood Bed", because whether you are in the mood or not, the gentle U-shape curve to the mattress finds even the grumpiest of couples sleeping on top of each other. Also everyone wakes up in a "Mood" after a night's sleep in our guest room. Not to mention the fact that Jen never feeds anyone.
A trip to 3SFF Florida was like going on a great adventure. The spaciousness of the 3SFF Tallahassee offices coupled with the gentle hum of grandchildren having night terrors made for a vacation that was unforgettable.
If you have any doubts that Nana & Papa love their grandchildren just ask Janna how many trips like these she makes annually. Lets all pray that there is not too many terrible side affects to the extensive use of Tylenol PM.
Now when I read the above post to Chad he was greatly offended and said, "What the hell? They don't like my beds? I have been sleeping on their damn beds for 14 years, and never complained! At least when they sleep in my beds their legs don't stick out over the edge and at my house the shower heads don't hit them at mid-chest or sand blast their skin. Plus I dust anything taller than five feet for them every time I stay".
And there you have it. Our first scandal of the season.
Now for the Mad-Lib.....
Having Trouble falling asleep in a strange incredible bed? Here are few inspiring suggestions to help you get a good lustful sleep as as soon as your head oils the pillow.
1. Before you climb into the amazing luxury bed to which you've been provided at no charge, take several coke with lime and cherry laced breaths and SHUT-UP! for at least 3.14 minutes.
2. Carry something familiar with you. For example: an iphone , very high heels , large dangly earrings or even a crap pillow on which to rest your phenomenally short body.
3. If it's easier for you to fall asleep to comforting sounds listen to Howard complain about government regulations on the small business owner, or damage your brain by watching Spongebob Squarepants.
4. If all else fails, read a good family Christmas blog until you drift off into a deep drug induced coma. If this doesn't do it, give up and head for Sonic.
3SFF wants to make it clear that the above purple words were chosen by Janna of her own free will and in no way reflect the values of 3SFF and it's sponsors.
Learn more about our SPONSORS tomorrow!!
The theme we chose at 3SFF Beaverton for this first MLMN has to do with falling asleep when traveling. Something Janna & Howard never struggle with when they travel to see their children. Why? Because we put them up in luxury.
When they come to stay at 3SFF Beaverton we put them in a room with a bed we affectionately call the "Mood Bed", because whether you are in the mood or not, the gentle U-shape curve to the mattress finds even the grumpiest of couples sleeping on top of each other. Also everyone wakes up in a "Mood" after a night's sleep in our guest room. Not to mention the fact that Jen never feeds anyone.
A trip to 3SFF Florida was like going on a great adventure. The spaciousness of the 3SFF Tallahassee offices coupled with the gentle hum of grandchildren having night terrors made for a vacation that was unforgettable.
If you have any doubts that Nana & Papa love their grandchildren just ask Janna how many trips like these she makes annually. Lets all pray that there is not too many terrible side affects to the extensive use of Tylenol PM.
Now when I read the above post to Chad he was greatly offended and said, "What the hell? They don't like my beds? I have been sleeping on their damn beds for 14 years, and never complained! At least when they sleep in my beds their legs don't stick out over the edge and at my house the shower heads don't hit them at mid-chest or sand blast their skin. Plus I dust anything taller than five feet for them every time I stay".
And there you have it. Our first scandal of the season.
Now for the Mad-Lib.....
Having Trouble falling asleep in a strange incredible bed? Here are few inspiring suggestions to help you get a good lustful sleep as as soon as your head oils the pillow.
1. Before you climb into the amazing luxury bed to which you've been provided at no charge, take several coke with lime and cherry laced breaths and SHUT-UP! for at least 3.14 minutes.
2. Carry something familiar with you. For example: an iphone , very high heels , large dangly earrings or even a crap pillow on which to rest your phenomenally short body.
3. If it's easier for you to fall asleep to comforting sounds listen to Howard complain about government regulations on the small business owner, or damage your brain by watching Spongebob Squarepants.
4. If all else fails, read a good family Christmas blog until you drift off into a deep drug induced coma. If this doesn't do it, give up and head for Sonic.
3SFF wants to make it clear that the above purple words were chosen by Janna of her own free will and in no way reflect the values of 3SFF and it's sponsors.
Learn more about our SPONSORS tomorrow!!
A Weekend in the Life of Josh & Sarah
Happy Monday Everyone! Weekends With Josh & Sarah had some technical difficulties so we are back today with-
1. Plan a trip to the Oregon State Mental Hospital museum.
2. Stop by the day old bread store.
3. Walk up to a child that looks like me and say "I am you from the future".
4. Drop Sarah off at Value Village to dig through bins for either the AIDS virus or cute leggings.
5. Put a Walkie-Talkie in my mailbox and let Brody harass neighbors walking by.
6. Tour Historic Deepwood Estate.
7. Work on our Screen Play.
8. Join the movement "Strange Up Salem"
9. Contemplate going back to school.
10. Grow a really full beard in a day. Check.
Late tonight we'll put Monday's Mad-libs up. Stay tuned!
Josh's Top Ten Weekend Adventures
1. Plan a trip to the Oregon State Mental Hospital museum.
2. Stop by the day old bread store.
3. Walk up to a child that looks like me and say "I am you from the future".
4. Drop Sarah off at Value Village to dig through bins for either the AIDS virus or cute leggings.
5. Put a Walkie-Talkie in my mailbox and let Brody harass neighbors walking by.
6. Tour Historic Deepwood Estate.
7. Work on our Screen Play.
8. Join the movement "Strange Up Salem"
9. Contemplate going back to school.
10. Grow a really full beard in a day. Check.
Late tonight we'll put Monday's Mad-libs up. Stay tuned!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
It's Time For.......
Where in the World is ... Howard?
Dad's bags are packed and he is off on a great adventure! Where he is headed he won't cross an ocean and he needs an umbrella; 70% chance of rain there tomorrow.
Where he is going everyone will know his NAME.
Howard is buying lunch to the first to guess correctly, so good luck guessing!
Unrelated Disclaimer: Two things are very clear, 1) Janna doesn't have a clue what Mad-Libs are and 2) Jen didn't learn to swear from her father. Either way we are using what she gave us. Don't for get to tune in Monday for Mad-lib Monday and also this weekend for our new Segment Weekends with Josh and Sarah.
Dad's bags are packed and he is off on a great adventure! Where he is headed he won't cross an ocean and he needs an umbrella; 70% chance of rain there tomorrow.
Where he is going everyone will know his NAME.
Howard is buying lunch to the first to guess correctly, so good luck guessing!
Unrelated Disclaimer: Two things are very clear, 1) Janna doesn't have a clue what Mad-Libs are and 2) Jen didn't learn to swear from her father. Either way we are using what she gave us. Don't for get to tune in Monday for Mad-lib Monday and also this weekend for our new Segment Weekends with Josh and Sarah.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Cross Country Travels
It was Sarah and Josh that made the difficult decision to close the Florida offices. They made it in about 6 minutes but it was well thought out I assure you.
Despite what is being reported Jill Kelley and Paula Broadwell had nothing to do with this. We've completed a thorough investigation with some help from our friends at the FBI of course and 3SFF came up clean.
Many assumed that with Jill Kelley's honorary diplomatic status that there must be some connection to the FL offices sudden closing. I assure you that 3SFF cut all ties with the US military long before Jill was ever party planning in Tampa.
There were many reasons for closing down East Coast operations but after my exclusive interview with Olivia she pointed to the main one-
THE FACE EATING
Once that stuff started happening over there, she said, "Brody informed us he was done".
Sarah packed up the staffers and jetted. Howard and Chad traveled to Florida and with Josh finalized the closing, packed up what little they could and headed off for an epic cross country adventure.
They told me they were most impressed with Memphis. Josh drove nearly the whole way while Howard did some sight seeing and Chad enjoyed the comfort of the metal grate.
Despite what is being reported Jill Kelley and Paula Broadwell had nothing to do with this. We've completed a thorough investigation with some help from our friends at the FBI of course and 3SFF came up clean.
Many assumed that with Jill Kelley's honorary diplomatic status that there must be some connection to the FL offices sudden closing. I assure you that 3SFF cut all ties with the US military long before Jill was ever party planning in Tampa.
There were many reasons for closing down East Coast operations but after my exclusive interview with Olivia she pointed to the main one-
THE FACE EATING
Once that stuff started happening over there, she said, "Brody informed us he was done".
Sarah packed up the staffers and jetted. Howard and Chad traveled to Florida and with Josh finalized the closing, packed up what little they could and headed off for an epic cross country adventure.
They told me they were most impressed with Memphis. Josh drove nearly the whole way while Howard did some sight seeing and Chad enjoyed the comfort of the metal grate.
Here they are coming into Oregon. Thank goodness Josh was prepared with a bike umbrella for the drizzly NW weather.
It has been good to consolidate the operations to the NW. We've decided smaller is better and it helps us keep a lid on our scandals.
Janna needs to start posting her adjectives, verbs and nouns to the blog. Everyone else have a great Wednesday!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Here's What to Expect
We try to set realistic standards at 3SFF and this year is no different. Our plan is to be the 4th best year ever and we think that just might be achievable.
We've got some new stuff in store for you and some oldies but goodies.
Be expecting-
Conversion Challenge 2012- Ryan's got something really great in mind.
More Where in the World is Howard?- He's got his bags packed!
All Cash Prizes from Janna and Howard!!
More Janna Tweets!
A few dirty jokes and some swear words- Only the good ones!
New Nana & Papa trivia featuring the grand children!
New Mad-lib Mondays with Janna!
New segment called Weekends with Josh & Sarah - Nothing is off the table!
There will of course be an appearance of the Uncles and....
We'll tease Brad a lot!!!!
But tomorrow we'll have the EXCLUSIVE story on the closing of the Florida offices. There has been a lot of rumors and accusations. So we want to set the record straight.
In the mean time Janna needs to be thinking of her 7 favorite adjectives, 5 favorite nouns, 6 favorite verbs and post them to the blog.
Have a great Tuesday!!
We've got some new stuff in store for you and some oldies but goodies.
Be expecting-
Conversion Challenge 2012- Ryan's got something really great in mind.
More Where in the World is Howard?- He's got his bags packed!
All Cash Prizes from Janna and Howard!!
More Janna Tweets!
A few dirty jokes and some swear words- Only the good ones!
New Nana & Papa trivia featuring the grand children!
New Mad-lib Mondays with Janna!
New segment called Weekends with Josh & Sarah - Nothing is off the table!
There will of course be an appearance of the Uncles and....
We'll tease Brad a lot!!!!
But tomorrow we'll have the EXCLUSIVE story on the closing of the Florida offices. There has been a lot of rumors and accusations. So we want to set the record straight.
In the mean time Janna needs to be thinking of her 7 favorite adjectives, 5 favorite nouns, 6 favorite verbs and post them to the blog.
Have a great Tuesday!!
Sunday, December 2, 2012
It's Not Easy Being Green
So...Brad is totally elf. Why? Because we've all always assumed he was adopted. Come on, everyone thinks it when they see THE family picture (the one where Jen's 14 but in mom jeans with belly rolls and Josh looks like a mountain man). I can imagine the photographer saying..."OK we'll put the biological children here...and well...the adopted child here." Totally inappropriate, but an effective subtle clue for anyone who walks into my parents house. Also, Brad's always been too charming to be a Rew and it's our understanding Thera likes to sing in the Shower. So, Elf it was.
Josh would own the leg lamp. He'd even like it. It's possible Josh could purchase the leg lamp, study by it's light to right a complete PHD dissertation before ever realizing it was a leg in fish net tights. And, Sarah and Josh like to watch weird foreign movies so they probably say things like "fra-gee-lay".
Jen and Chad had to be the Griswalds. First off, they currently live in a house that has random light switches that just might control the outdoor Christmas lights. Second, Chad likes to dress in Jen's old maternity clothes and watch home movies in the attic. Third, we all know if Jen tried to cook the turkey it would turn out like something from the movie Alien. Finally, it provided an opportunity to swear on the blog.
Missy and Ryan as Martha May Whovier and The Grinch. Why? Well, because Ryan didn't fit the mold of all the Rews down in Rewville. He is of course green and fuzzy. Missy never lost hope though. And, eventually, Ryan was invited to Christmas dinner.
Janna and Howard as Mary and George Bailey. This was for three reasons. First, Janna loves old classic movies. Second, they really do have a wonderful life. And most important of all, we all know my mother utters those words to Howard on a regular basis. "Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool?" She calls it pillow talk.
NaDell, when you go to my parent's house to collect your check and Howard answers the door just say-
"Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool?"
Josh would own the leg lamp. He'd even like it. It's possible Josh could purchase the leg lamp, study by it's light to right a complete PHD dissertation before ever realizing it was a leg in fish net tights. And, Sarah and Josh like to watch weird foreign movies so they probably say things like "fra-gee-lay".
Jen and Chad had to be the Griswalds. First off, they currently live in a house that has random light switches that just might control the outdoor Christmas lights. Second, Chad likes to dress in Jen's old maternity clothes and watch home movies in the attic. Third, we all know if Jen tried to cook the turkey it would turn out like something from the movie Alien. Finally, it provided an opportunity to swear on the blog.
Missy and Ryan as Martha May Whovier and The Grinch. Why? Well, because Ryan didn't fit the mold of all the Rews down in Rewville. He is of course green and fuzzy. Missy never lost hope though. And, eventually, Ryan was invited to Christmas dinner.
Janna and Howard as Mary and George Bailey. This was for three reasons. First, Janna loves old classic movies. Second, they really do have a wonderful life. And most important of all, we all know my mother utters those words to Howard on a regular basis. "Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool?" She calls it pillow talk.
NaDell, when you go to my parent's house to collect your check and Howard answers the door just say-
"Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool?"
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