I love my parents and for this reason I can longer stand idle while their lives spin wildly out of control. Each year has gotten worse and I fear that this Christmas season may be the point they both hit rock bottom. I feel many of my readers are responsible as they have aided and abetted this addiction for far too long. As hard as this is to write it's time for a blog intervention-
My parents are serial ward Christmas party crashers.
Last year alone they hit 7 parties.
And now that my father is a high councilman he has access to several stake calendars.
Janna does it for the rush but Howard does it for the orange jello and the centerpieces.
I have been told that each ward in the tri-stake area will have their pictures posted at party entrances but Howard has a sophisticated game plan this year.
They come under the guise of "golden opportunity investigators", "new move-ins", "new converts", "lost and senile", "the special music number" and "Mr. and Mrs. Claus".
One year they came as "health inspectors". Howard took it too far and busted the women working in the kitchen, hence, the no cooking/warm only rules in all ward buildings.
We thought this year would be better as Janna had joined a 12 step addiction program. Howard refuses because he says and I quote "I'm a full tithe payer it's within my rights".
Sources confirm Janna has fallen of the wagon. We are asking all ward activity committees to up their security at their party. Beware that they may even infiltrate committee meetings in an attempt to plot escape routes and influence the canned fruit selection for this years jello.
Security cameras at Sweater Barn in Pasco confirm that a dark haired man in glasses wearing a heavily starched shirt and khaki's recently purchased 22 ugly Christmas sweaters.
We fear that the Bonnie & Clyde Christmas Party Bandits are looking to set a record this year with 11 total parties.
Should you suspect that your party has been compromised, it is very important that you not approach them without first contacting authorities, as Howard is very unpredictable and Janna has terrible bladder control, a technique she has used in the past as a distraction.
You've been warned.
2 comments:
In the future, Howard and I will only be speaking through our lawyer (which will probably be Howard since he likes to pretend he is one), proving, sort of, that we had official invitations to all ward parties. Taking into consideration ward bullitens, posters in the foyers, and the undeniable ward emails we recieved and can produce, we feel the afore mentioned items varify the fact that we legally attended or will be attending all ward parties. Though we cannot produce the monogrammed, gold, engraved whatever tickets to prove the validity of our actually being invited, we feel strongly that since no harm has been done or will be done, no criminal action should be taken.
Hey, what do you know, THEY showed up at our ward party tonight too!
We love them!
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