Application to be Adopted into the Rew Family
(or any of its
Subsidiaries)
In an effort to ensure lasting compatibility and a
continuing feeling of belonging, each individual wishing to be adopted into the
Rew Family (or any of its subsidiaries) must certify that they meet or exceed
the following dozen qualifications:
1. Having an IQ of not more than two digits,
which when added together, sum no greater than 13, unless you’ve spent at least
30 years of your life in school working on a PhD.
2. Having an unsurgically enhance height of not
more than 5’ – 6” (female) or 5’ – 3” (male).
4. Having an international renown for complex mathematical
equations along with a disdain for all forms of simple counting.
5. Having a nauseating preoccupation for safety
over fun, productivity, enlightenment, or personal bonding.
6. Having a mastery of the words of the Bible
and a proclivity for their use in totally inappropriate situations.
7. Having an aptitude for finding the best place
to park in an empty parking lot.
8. Having a keen sense of direction when the choices
are limited to up and down.
9. Having a talent for discovering and
rediscovering new and unexpected places, while valuing the journey more than
the destination.
10. Having a preference for investing large sums of
money into your kids because, unlike the stock market, you know where the
adorable ROIs live.
11. Having an overwhelming desire to pick up the
Tab at all family dinners out, unless they have Dr. Pepper.
12. Having an uncanny ability to find your way
through the complicated streets of a foreign city all the while the Garmin is
saying, “recalculating.”
13. Having the clout to choose the family movie and
being able to sleep through it.
In addition to meeting or exceeding these qualifications,
the applicant must submit, along with a signed and notarized copy (not the
original) of the application, the sum of $50 to Papanz and Nananz Rew. We’ve hired staff to process the
applications. We’re hoping to see NaDell’s
soon.
2 comments:
Oh, that's really too bad. I just don't qualify. See qualifications # 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, and finally 13. Shoot. I'll just have to settle for being in the same R part of our ward directory.
NaDell, not to worry, we had to waive most of the qualifications just to get the four kids we have. We can make the same accommodations for you, except the $50 processing fee. That's pretty immutable.
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