Setting The Record Straight

Last night at around 2 am neighbors reported a disturbance at the home of Brad & Thera. Brad's car was smashed into a fire hydrant at the end of the driveway. Thera was wearing green and gold and hovering over Brad's body in the street. He appeared to be unconscious.

We are aware of the tabloid rumors suggesting the accident was all a part of a domestic disturbance. There are reports that Thera had seen tabloid photos of Brad wearing a Kamiakin Braves shirt and others have said he knows all the words to their fight song and sings it in the shower.

Tabloids are suggesting that Thera in a fit of rage at Brad's unfaithfulness to the Bombers and all things nuclear, chased him out of the house with a golf club. They are reporting she then beat in the back window of his car.

Brad was driving a maroon sedan and like most the vehicles in the family this particular sedan had been originally purchased by Howard, then bought buy Brad, then bought back by Howard and then borrowed by Brad. Brad and Thera are currently refusing to speak to the police and have turned them away at every visit. Media outlets are claiming he is waiting for the maroon and yellow face paint to fade. Earlier today a Kamiakin High press release stated "we resent our name being pulled into this story".

At 3 Squares Film Festival our official statement is this, Brad bleeds green and gold and his faithful to his beloved alma mater. As far as his accident, Brad is simply a bad driver. He is however a pretty good golfer. I guess no one's perfect. Just ask Tiger.

New Things

Don't forget to vote for the best song!

Check out the family pictures on the side bar!

Common Questions Part 3

Why Can't Janna & Howard pick their own songs?

I did it this way for two reasons-

1. If it were left up to Janna the song would be a Janice Kapp Perry with her bearing her testimony to Ryan through the whole thing. Your welcome Ryan.

2. If it were left up to Howard the song would be "Hard Headed Woman" by Cat Stevens. Your welcome Janna.

Common Questions Part 2

What do you Janna & Howard think of this?

Well, my Mom's original idea (borrowed from Grandma Barbara) was to have something spiritual. Maybe a fireside devotional where she could cry and talk about orphaned children. For Ryan's sake I came up with this much more entertaining plan.

Not sure my Dad really has any idea this is going on.

Common Questions Part 1

I was asked recently what would happen if someone in the family didn't create a video?


The point of this is to keep our families close and connected despite how far apart we live. Any one can choose not to participate but we will do what all good families do and blame the in-law spouse. Things will be said like-

"If it had not been for Sarah's inferior genetics, Josh surely would have produced a video."

or

"It is just like Chad to come up with this idea and then not even make a video. No different than when he promises he'll visit and then never comes."

We're Over 500 & Down to Two Songs

We have reached and surpassed the 500 mark for hits. This is an exciting development. We are averaging about 75 per day and since Janna is only logging on 50 times a day, I think it is safe to say we have a following.

The film festival has narrowed down the voting to just two songs. They are the ever popular High School Musical song "We're All In This Together" and "Islands in the Stream" by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. I think either choice will be entertaining.

The voting ends November 30th. I'll be working on the introductions next. Check back to soon!

Ryan's Getting Baptized!

Ryan has vastly underestimated the intensity of the Mormon missionary effort. He stated, likely joking, "I'll get baptized if someone does their video in the nude". Janna's eyes instantly twinkled. While we are all excited about this future potential, no one is excited to see Janna & Howard's video anymore.
This is why 3 Squares Film Festival will now have a video rating system.

S = safe to watch and R=Ryan's getting dunked.

Upon hearing this Howard starting voting on the hour for "Islands in the Stream". Hmmmm.

Another big announcement, Thera guessed the correct answer to "Guess what song" which was a game about which song Brad & Thera have chosen to do their video to. Clearly we have low standards for our contests around here. If you didn't catch it in the last comments section the song was the Bomber Fight Song. If you are questioning this, you likely don't know Brad, Thera or their kids. Brad follows this blog so check out his picture to your right. Enough said.

A Little Bit Sweet, A Whole Lot Salty

I wanted to blog something clever about what's going on with Missy and Ryan. There is just not much funny about the Dixie Chicks, but, it's the only trio Missy can come up with and Ryan lost in a majority vote.
Here at film festival central two of my staffers (David & Sam) were caught in the pantry applying sea salt to their arm pits as deodorant. I therefore have a large mess on my hands to contend with.
On Thursday Ryan has a big announcement. If you are overly sensitive I urge you to skip reading that day. We will also be announcing the film festival rating system.
On Friday the Howard and Janna poll will be narrowed down to the top two songs. The voting will end on November 30.
At some point I'm hoping someone will guess Brad & Thera's song. It's rather obvious especially since Brad hums it constantly and sometimes Thera even sings along.
In the future I also plan to update this blog with introductions on everyone and I might even put the rules of the festival up as originally promised.
I wanted to thank everyone for reading a long and having fun with this. Thank you for posting comments and getting the sarcastic humor. Happy Thanksgiving!

Clarifications and Clues

It was suggested in a late night post that I, the promoter of 3 Squares Film Festival, might actually be the ever popular Sarah Palin. While we have much in common, our good looks, enjoyment of running and newspaper reading, and very large brood. I can assure you I would have never settled for Todd or done the Couric interview (that poorly).

Now for the clue: This song is a battle cry. It is unknown who the original composer is. This song was based on another very popular song also with an unknown composer.

Clues & Update on Sarah and Company

It it my understanding that an agreement has been made in Florida. Sarah will be lead vocals performing "Candle on The Water", with Josh as the Lighthouse keeper (creepy I know), Brody as Pete, and Olivia as Elliott the Dragon. Olivia made a Savvy trade on this one. She will be getting 3 all day marathons of "Dora the Explorer" uninterrupted and Ice cream for dinner for a week in exchange for her willingness to squash her natural talent and allow her mom the starring role. They have been spotted on the beach in Florida painting lighthouses with Sarah belting out "my love for you will always burn". Kirk Cameron will have a cameo as Paul.


Now for the next clue:

Brad & Thera chose this song because it really gets them revved up. It's definitely not a love song, though Brad would disagree.

Guess What Song

Here is how it will work. Each day I will release a clue to the song that Brad and Thera will use to perform their music video. Everyone can post their guess as a comment below the clue. The first to guess correctly will win a gumball machine that dispenses jelly beans. Why such a prize? I'll get to that later. Now for the first clue.....


Brad & Thera embody this song. They are this group's ultimate fan.

3 Big Surprises

Surprise #1- Janna and Howard actually have two daughters. There is Missy who you all have come to know and love and there is Jenni who's husband oppresses her and doesn't let her leave the state (at least that's the excuse she uses). Howard lovingly refers to them as SWNC (she who never comes) and Missy as SWNL. Jen is married to Chad who spends his days saving lives one very obese person at a time. Jen spends her days having and raising children. Chad says she must keep going until she gets it right. Therefore they have 6 children and counting. They currently have five sons and one daughter.

Surprise #2- When Chad first visited Janna & Howard's house (one of two times he's been there in the last 11 years), he was in the basement storage room when he discovered what he calls "the masterpiece". It was once a television and now is a turn table display cabinet complete with spotlight. He proclaimed "what genius created this, I must have one!" So for the second prize of our film festival Chad will recreate the masterpiece out of his very own 13 year old family room TV and award it to the video with the most "genius". This leads us to the next big announcement.

Surprise #3- Both Chad and Jen have been working feverishly on the music video with their children. It has taken extra work because before production began the boys only knew two sentences "Mom, I'm hungry" and "Is there dessert?". Chad has had the boys on a two a day practice schedule in the recording studios. The windows have been blacked out and the whole concept is under wraps. I can tell you that a police officer and Indian chief have been seen leaving the building. Apparently David has also learned 4 new alphabet letters. That is all I know for now. The surprise is that Chad has signed a deal with Gila River and the children will be going on tour at local casinos immediately following their video release.

From what I understand Chad is determined to be awarded the TV turn table display cabinet. He is willing to take any measures necessary to insure his victory even if it means Lucy joining a gym. He wants nothing more than to see Jen's collection of beheaded willow tree figurines under spotlight for all to see.

Tonight begins "guess what song". a little game where we all pretend we don't already know which song Brad & Thera are performing. Each day I'll be releasing a new clue until someone successfully guesses the song. Stay tuned for more information.

Secrets & Security

I spoke with Ryan last night and had to give him the bad news. He is so eager to make his big announcement and I am sure you are all here for just that, but, corporate says it has to wait. Apparently this announcement complicates things a bit. While everyone agrees that it would greatly increase viewership and definitely bring in a whole new demographic of people it also requires the development of a rating system for the films. These things take time. I told Ryan to shoot for Thanksgiving Day.

I do want to thank Ryan for all his hard work. He is head of security for the film festival. For those who don't know, Ryan packs heat (actually a very large red Swiss army knife), a wedding gift from Uncle Ray. He's a regular Dirty Harry. Thank goodness for that because where Ryan and Missy live is a cross between Kabul and Compton (only it's suburbia, with tree lined streets, families with children and a relatively low crime rate). In their first year of marriage Ryan has successfully protected Missy while taking high risk outings to TJ Maxx, Walmart, and the linens department at JC Penney. When would be criminals caught wind that Ryan was armed, and could be lurking in the Slim Jim aisle of any 7 eleven they robbed, crime in their sleepy town grinded to a halt. He's armed and can take things into his own hands if necessary, he can also take care of a hang nail and open a can of beans.

I know what you are thinking. Isn't having security a little bit overkill? It was until Sarah let it out that we were onto the terrorists and now we are on every one's radar. (see the comments section 2 posts back) Ryan now thinks it is necessary to keep the festival venue a secret until the last possible moment for every one's safety.
As far as Missy and Ryan's music video is going, well, Ryan told me he's not sure. He is seeing a whole new side of Missy. She's constantly barking "jazz hands" at Emma and has purchased bolts and bolts of lycra fabric. He'll be checking in with me regularly and I'll keep everyone posted.

Tomorrow we'll have up to date information out of Phoenix and we'll be announcing a new contest!

First of Many Prizes

What a whirl wind last few days we have had. We now have over 100 hits on the blog and although we all know it's just Janna hitting the refresh button we are still so excited. A big shout out to our one follower! I appreciate everyone sending such great ideas to me which is why I feel bad that I actually can't update the poll. This is what the family gets when the one person who has never done a blog starts the family blog. But I am keeping track of the suggestions and am open to a write in vote winning. Janna has her heart set on Makin' Whoopee (is anyone surprised), while Howard is hoping for Carribean Amphibian.

The first prize which will be awarded to each family member that participates in the festival is a flowered wallpaper fan handcrafted by none other than Howard himself. If you are unsure of what this treasure might look like you simply need to visit my parents home other wise known as Bell Choir Central (your guess is as good as mine). It hangs with all its glory in the living room right by the piano students gifts which are displayed on the wall using brightly colored thumb tacks. Twenty two years ago my father made his first masterpiece and they have been in high demand ever since. The wall paper fan is woven so deeply into the fabric of each of our lives that when I originally announced this prize to each participant (it was the only way to get Thera on board), my mom had to point it out to Missy as she had never noticed it before.

Coming soon an exciting announcement from Ryan!!!

Breaking News..........

My sources on the ground are reporting infighting with our Florida family. As the story goes Sarah knew immediately what she wanted to perform. The selection was "Little Bit Country" made famous by Donny & Marie. Sarah ran the idea past Josh and he grunted which she took as a resounding yes! All was well until the auditions. Apparently Olivia vastly out performed Sarah and stole the role of Marie right out from underneath her. Brody was an obvious as the part of Donny simply because Josh still hasn't caught on that the film festival is even going on. This has reduced both Josh & Sarah to back up dancers. Sarah is threatening to split and start her own group, some kind of Ike & Tina Turner rendition. Josh is grunting. We'll keep you posted.

Check back soon for the rules and prizes. Many family members have come forward with ideas for awards. It should be exciting!

Why 3 squares?

Three squares is the exact amount of toilet paper that can flush at a time in my parent's toilets. Why do I know this? Three words, family home evening. We were all taught the proper number of squares at one very memorable FHE. This is serious business at our house. My parents own the most temperamental potties ever made. Everyone has clogged them. So Howard took it upon himself to determine the exact amount of squares before hitting the breaking point. Apparently the breaking point is at four. We were all advised that if the job took four, and it really didn't need to if one wiped efficiently, but if it did need four or more, we were to flush and begin again. So in honor of our low flow toilets and in memory of all those moments when the water in the bowl rose instead of flushed, I have named this film festival 3 Squares.

I have also been told that my Dad has developed the most aerodynamic way to fold one's toilet paper so that it flushes with a swoosh as apposed to the dreaded glug. Gone are the days of the simple wad. It's funny to imagine, first how and where he discovered the folding technique, and then how he announced it to my mother. "Janna I've got great news....."

Now you know. I'll be posting the rules of the film festival and the prizes soon!

Merry Christmas 2009

It's on! Everyone has agreed to participate in our first annual film festival. We need to determine what song Janna & Howard will be performing. If this Christmas you could use a good laugh than vote, vote and vote some more for the song you think would be most entertaining! If you have a great idea for a duet that would be perfect for them post a comment and I will add it to the poll. Pass this info on to anyone you think would vote. Link your blog to ours. I'll be updating regularly. Stay tuned for the inside scoop on the festival's name.

Thanks!

Jen