Monday, December 24, 2012

Ihnen Family Christmas Video 2012

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By popular demand...



Application to be Adopted into the Rew Family
(or any of its Subsidiaries)

In an effort to ensure lasting compatibility and a continuing feeling of belonging, each individual wishing to be adopted into the Rew Family (or any of its subsidiaries) must certify that they meet or exceed the following  dozen qualifications:

1.   Having an IQ of not more than two digits, which when added together, sum no greater than 13, unless you’ve spent at least 30 years of your life in school working on a PhD.

2.   Having an unsurgically enhance height of not more than 5’ – 6” (female) or 5’ – 3” (male).

4.   Having an international renown for complex mathematical equations along with a disdain for all forms of simple counting.

5.   Having a nauseating preoccupation for safety over fun, productivity, enlightenment, or personal bonding.

6.   Having a mastery of the words of the Bible and a proclivity for their use in totally inappropriate situations.

7.   Having an aptitude for finding the best place to park in an empty parking lot.

8.   Having a keen sense of direction when the choices are limited to up and down.

9.   Having a talent for discovering and rediscovering new and unexpected places, while valuing the journey more than the destination.

10. Having a preference for investing large sums of money into your kids because, unlike the stock market, you know where the adorable ROIs live.

11. Having an overwhelming desire to pick up the Tab at all family dinners out, unless they have Dr. Pepper.

12. Having an uncanny ability to find your way through the complicated streets of a foreign city all the while the Garmin is saying, “recalculating.”

13. Having the clout to choose the family movie and being able to sleep through it.

In addition to meeting or exceeding these qualifications, the applicant must submit, along with a signed and notarized copy (not the original) of the application, the sum of $50 to Papanz and Nananz Rew.  We’ve hired staff to process the applications.  We’re hoping to see NaDell’s soon.

Papanz and Nananz Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!!

Conversion Challenge 2012

The results are in!!!

Thank you to everyone who voted. Especially our readers in Indonesia and China who clogged the phone lines and crashed the website in their attempt to have their vote count.

Drum roll.....


Ryan has agreed to be baptized in 2013 if Howard will yodel all of his speaking as loud as he can for the entire three hour block of his ward for the next Sunday. That means any conducting, meetings, hallway conversations all in the form of a pleasant loud yodel.

Seems pretty reasonable, in years past nudity was involved, but this year just the sweet sounds of Howard's "yodel le he hoo" and Ryan says he's in.

Or....If the missionaries will give him an iPad.

Either way.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Mad-Lib Monday Night on Thursday moved to Friday Morning!

Some people may not be aware that in his spare time Howard runs a nonprofit moving company. He's traveled up and down the country, back and forth across the country and up the coast. He's transported everything from couches to minivans. What does it take to have your application accepted for a philanthropic move?

Many of the following conditions must apply-

1. If your move doesn't work out you'll probably wind up living in his basement (ironically a lot of people wind up living in his basement so this can't be a sole criteria).

2. If the job your moving for weren't to work out then your plan b is some type of business he may just need to invest in.

3.  Your considering going for something more than a PHD.

4.  You like convincing Janna to repaint rooms in her house. Reason enough to keep you out of the basement.

Anyone who has had the privilege of meeting much of the above criteria, which sadly seems to be 50% of Howard's gene pool, knows that Howard is very skilled at driving a big rig. He can turn a Budget truck in a tiny cheap motel parking lot on a dime. The truth is, what can't Howard do?

Janna will tell you-

Drive in town
And that is the subject of today's Mad-Lib


Are you sitting in the passenger seat of a substantially upgraded luxury vehicle such as a Ford Focus?  Are you trying to get to the bank but have ended up at the city dump? Does the driver of your vehicle seem to occaisionally fall asleep or at best be incoherent? Maybe you are running errands with Howard.


It's not Howard's fault.  It's really the problem of government regulations.  Some liberal at the DMV led us all to believe we should be aware that we are driving when we are driving.

What is worse than driving to the post office with Howard but ending up at Badger Mountain? Driving through towns in a vehicle with Howard and Josh.  

What do you do if you find yourself in the frightening scenario of being sent to the Home Depot with Howard and your scared of ending up in Memphis?

Point your driver towards a Sonic. Howards are always able to find a Sonic.  Order him his usual (Sonic will know what your talking about)  and watch him perk right up. Then ask him to take you to Ace Hardware and with a little luck you might just wind up at the Home Depot.



For Conversion Challenge 2012 we are going to have a vote. Stay tuned for your options. And don't forget to tune in Monday night for FILM FESTIVAL 2012.




Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Darn it!

Janna guessed it. Howard was kidnapped while on location in Brazil. We are hoping for his safe return. I also was hoping that his location wouldn't be guessed too soon because I had a hilarious idea for a clue involving Missy and waxing. Oh well.

Tomorrow we'll have Mad-lib Monday night on Thursday and some hints about conversion challenge 2012.

See you then!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Where in the World is...

Howard???


OK everyone, Howard is tired of beautiful beaches and summer fun. Someone come rescue him fast. The end of the world is approaching and Janna doesn't want her last days to be lonely ones. 

Make your best guess. Howard's promising an accordion lesson to the winner!

Good luck!


Sunday, December 16, 2012

Where in the World.....

Did the blog go?

The staffers have been swamped in film production all weekend. Sometimes with all the excitement  that goes on around here we forget that the main purpose is to put together a film.

This year was unique because three of the 3SFF locations came together for an epic production. It was like filming  The Hobbit 3SFF style. There was a huge cast and a lengthy script. What came together was movie brilliance. And, like with any major movie production the ending left an opening for a sequel. We are expecting box office records.

But....also like with any production we had our divas. Some of the actors had lengthy riders. Ok, lets be honest, it was mainly Brad and Thera. Since they were such an integral part of production we were forced to accommodate them, something the family is all too familiar with.

Here was their list of demands-

1.  They will only sleep in a full bed. Preferably lopsided.

2. They must be woken up by a baby a minimum of 3 times between 2am and 8am. Every night.

3. They only eat the green skittles and the green MnM's. Hmmm.

4. They wanted at least one pointless trip into the city.

5. They insisted on bringing their own apple juice, something about imported.

6. They requested snow.

7. They required that Nana text them regularly with updates on the Christmas blog.


I am happy to report that Brad and Thera and their entourage arrived early on Friday with apple juice in tow. We had Luisa sort out all the green skittles and mnm's for them. We took them into to the city for what we claimed would be a magical evening and then just turned right around and came home. Brady was put to the task of waking them hourly, and, we must say that staffer is an over achiever. Unlike Nana, Brad raved about the lopsided Deseret Industries mattress. Then, right before filming, it snowed.

Josh and Sarah had to travel such a long way that we didn't see them until late Friday. They then left late Saturday and we believe they are still traveling now. We put an APB out for them at every Indian restaurant from Beaverton to Salem. They are making their way through the state one chicken curry at a time.

Josh put everything he had into his performance Saturday. It was full of emotion. It was raw. We are expecting an Oscar nod.

All of the Salem staffers make an appearance in the film. Sarah made her directing debut and functioned as the producer.

This year their will only be Three films. Howard and Janna's PG-13 comedy they are producing for their grandchildren currently called "Quotations from the Bible", Missy and Ryan's film which is under wraps, they work alone, and also the massive Oregon production of what has been labeled "Hobbit NW".

Why the Hobbit? Fourteen of the main actors are under five feet tall and Josh is in the lead role.

It was magical!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Potty Language

3SFF has secured some pretty high profile sponsors this year. With readership at an all time high and with China and Ukraine checking in daily everyone in the flushing industry wants a piece of the action.   Typically the toilet business is a family business and there has been some concern with the language floating around on this blog. 3SFF wants to assure it's reader that there is nothing said on the blog that isn't biblical. Honestly the rise in "potty language" is most likely tied to Janna and Howard's daily reading of the New Testament.

Our pitch to the kings of the 3-PLY was this-

If you want family friendly and edgy at the same time, than you are going to want to stick to the blog that ONLY uses "potty language".  Because what goes better than a little bit potty and a little bit 3-ply. 

They took the bait. There will be a big announcement soon! We've got sponsors! It's the big time now. Howard may start letting us use 4 squares!  If it's the right brand.



Also, abiding with family tradition we want to wish a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to both Thera and Chad. In our family we always make a point to recognize and celebrate birthdays late, if at all. We also never get the age right-

So happy 27th to Thera and 45th to Chad!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Having Trouble Falling Asleep?

Welcome to Mad-Lib Monday Night!

The theme we chose at 3SFF Beaverton for this first MLMN has to do with  falling asleep when traveling.  Something Janna & Howard never struggle with when they travel to see their children. Why? Because we put them up in luxury.

When they come to stay at 3SFF Beaverton we put them in a room with a bed we affectionately call the "Mood Bed", because whether you are in the mood or not, the gentle U-shape curve to the mattress finds even the grumpiest of couples sleeping on top of each other. Also everyone wakes up in a "Mood" after a night's sleep in our guest room. Not to mention the fact that Jen never feeds anyone.

A trip to 3SFF Florida was like going on a great adventure. The spaciousness of the 3SFF Tallahassee offices coupled with the gentle hum of grandchildren having night terrors made for a vacation that was unforgettable.

If you have any doubts that Nana & Papa love their grandchildren just ask Janna how many trips like these she makes annually. Lets all pray that there is not too many terrible side affects to the extensive use of Tylenol PM.

Now when I read the above post to Chad he was greatly offended and said, "What the hell? They don't like my beds? I have been sleeping on their damn beds for 14 years, and never complained! At least when they sleep in my beds their legs don't stick out over the edge and at my house the shower heads don't hit them at mid-chest or sand blast their skin. Plus I dust anything taller than five feet for them every time I stay".

And there you have it. Our first scandal of the season.

Now for the Mad-Lib.....

Having Trouble falling asleep in a strange incredible bed?  Here are few inspiring suggestions to help you get a good lustful sleep as as soon as your head oils the pillow.

1. Before you climb into the amazing luxury bed to which you've been provided at no charge, take several coke with lime and cherry laced breaths and SHUT-UP! for at least  3.14 minutes.

2. Carry something familiar with you. For example: an iphone , very high heels , large dangly earrings  or even a crap pillow on which to rest your phenomenally short body.

3. If it's easier for you to fall asleep to comforting sounds listen to Howard complain about government regulations on the small business owneror damage your brain by watching Spongebob Squarepants

4. If all else fails, read a good family Christmas blog until you drift off into a deep drug induced coma. If this doesn't do it, give up and head for Sonic.


3SFF wants to make it clear that the above purple words were chosen  by Janna of her own free will and in no way reflect the values of 3SFF and it's sponsors.


Learn more about our SPONSORS tomorrow!!






A Weekend in the Life of Josh & Sarah

Happy Monday Everyone! Weekends With Josh & Sarah had some technical difficulties so we are back today with-
Josh's Top Ten Weekend Adventures

1.  Plan a trip to the Oregon State Mental Hospital museum.

2.  Stop by the day old bread store.

3.  Walk up to a child that looks like me and say "I am you from the future".

4.  Drop Sarah off at Value Village to dig through bins for either the AIDS virus or cute leggings.

5.  Put a Walkie-Talkie in my mailbox and let Brody harass neighbors walking by.

6.  Tour Historic Deepwood Estate.

7.  Work on our Screen Play.

8.  Join the movement "Strange Up Salem"

9.  Contemplate going back to school.

10.  Grow a really full beard in a day.  Check.





Late tonight we'll put Monday's Mad-libs up. Stay tuned!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

It's Time For.......

Where in the World is ... Howard?

Dad's bags are packed and he is off on a great adventure!  Where he is headed he won't cross an ocean and he needs an umbrella;  70% chance of rain there tomorrow.

Where he is going everyone will know his NAME.


Howard is buying lunch to the first to guess correctly, so good luck guessing!


Unrelated Disclaimer: Two things are very clear, 1) Janna doesn't have a clue what Mad-Libs are and 2) Jen didn't learn to swear from her father. Either way we are using what she gave us. Don't for get to tune in Monday for Mad-lib Monday and also this weekend for our new Segment Weekends with Josh and Sarah.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Cross Country Travels

It was Sarah and Josh that made the difficult decision to close the Florida offices. They made it in about 6 minutes but it was well thought out I assure you.

Despite what is being reported Jill Kelley and Paula Broadwell had nothing to do with this. We've completed a thorough investigation with some help from our friends at the FBI of course and 3SFF came up clean.

Many assumed that with Jill Kelley's honorary diplomatic status that there must be some connection to the FL offices sudden closing. I assure you that 3SFF cut all ties with the US military long before Jill was ever party planning in Tampa.

There were many reasons for closing down East Coast operations but after my exclusive interview with Olivia she pointed to the main one-


THE FACE EATING

Once that stuff started happening over there, she said, "Brody informed us he was done".

Sarah packed up the staffers and jetted. Howard and Chad traveled to Florida and with Josh finalized the closing, packed up what little they could and headed off for an epic cross country adventure.





They told me they were most impressed with Memphis.  Josh drove nearly the whole way while Howard did some sight seeing and Chad enjoyed the comfort of the metal grate.


Here they are coming into Oregon. Thank goodness Josh was prepared with a bike umbrella for the drizzly NW weather.

It has been good to consolidate the operations to the NW. We've decided smaller is better and it helps us keep a lid on our scandals. 

Janna needs to start posting her adjectives, verbs and nouns to the blog. Everyone else have a great Wednesday!


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Here's What to Expect

We try to set realistic standards at 3SFF and this year is no different. Our plan is to be the 4th best year ever and we think that just might be achievable.

We've got some new stuff in store for you and some oldies but goodies.

Be expecting-

Conversion Challenge 2012- Ryan's got something really great in mind.

More Where in the World is Howard?- He's got his bags packed!

All Cash Prizes from Janna and Howard!!

More Janna Tweets!

A few dirty jokes and some swear words- Only the good ones!

New Nana & Papa trivia featuring the grand children!

New Mad-lib Mondays with Janna!

New segment called Weekends with Josh & Sarah - Nothing is off the table!

There will of course be an appearance of the Uncles and....

We'll tease Brad a lot!!!!


But tomorrow we'll have the EXCLUSIVE story on the closing of the Florida offices. There has been a lot of rumors and accusations. So we want to set the record straight.


In the mean time Janna needs to be thinking of her 7 favorite adjectives, 5 favorite nouns, 6 favorite verbs and post them to the blog.

Have a great Tuesday!!



Sunday, December 2, 2012

It's Not Easy Being Green

So...Brad is totally elf. Why? Because we've all always assumed he was adopted. Come on, everyone thinks it when they see THE family picture (the one where Jen's 14 but in mom jeans with belly rolls and Josh looks like a mountain man). I can imagine the photographer saying..."OK we'll put the biological children here...and well...the adopted child here." Totally inappropriate, but an effective subtle clue for anyone who walks into my parents house. Also, Brad's always been too charming to be a Rew and it's our understanding Thera likes to sing in the Shower. So, Elf it was.

Josh would own the leg lamp. He'd even like it. It's possible Josh could purchase the leg lamp, study by it's light to right a complete PHD dissertation before ever realizing it was a leg in fish net tights. And, Sarah and Josh like to watch weird foreign movies so they probably say things like "fra-gee-lay".

Jen and Chad had to be the Griswalds. First off, they currently live in a house that has random light switches that just might control the outdoor Christmas lights. Second, Chad likes to dress in Jen's old maternity clothes and watch home movies in the attic. Third, we all know if Jen tried to cook the turkey it would turn out like something from the movie Alien.  Finally, it provided an opportunity to swear on the blog.

Missy and Ryan as Martha May Whovier and The Grinch. Why? Well, because Ryan didn't fit the mold of all the Rews down in Rewville. He is of course green and fuzzy. Missy never lost hope though. And, eventually, Ryan was invited to Christmas dinner.

Janna and Howard as Mary and George Bailey. This was for three reasons. First, Janna loves old classic movies.  Second, they really do have a wonderful life. And most important of all, we all know my mother utters those words to Howard on a regular basis. "Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool?" She calls it pillow talk.



NaDell, when you go to my parent's house to collect your check and Howard answers the door just say-

"Where's that money, you silly stupid old fool?"







Why oh why wasn't NaDell a sibling???

NaDell has done significantly better than any Rew at decoding the pictures for this year. She has actually correctly identified each person but her reasons were not all correct. Although some of her reasons were much better than ours here at head quarters.

As far as whether Howard could have taught Jen to swear? NaDell has obviously never been tutored by him in math.

We've got so much more to post but our weekend was thwarted with spewing blood and a trip to the ER for staffer David and therefore we are a little behind schedule. No worries nothing a little people glue couldn't fix.

We'll be back later tonight with the complete rundown of the picture explanations as well as a sampling of what is to come this year!

Have a great Sunday!

Friday, November 30, 2012

We're Baaaack!

It's time for film festival 2012. We are back and better than ever. Check out the blog site as there are some new updates.

Here at HQ NW we thought we'd start the year off with a bit of a fun game. We are going to call it "WHO AM I?"

Your job is to guess which picture goes to who. Your choices are obviously, Janna and Howard, Josh and Sarah, Jen and Chad, Brad and Thera, and Missy and Ryan. A simple guess will not do you must explain your reasoning.

Howard's giving fifty bucks to the first person who guesses correctly. Once your named winner simply stop by the house and Janna will write you a check. Post your guesses below!